Dark Poetry Prose Poetry November 10, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

11-10-03 8:30am monday brick NJ

i danced to your thunder. i feared your lightning. i bathed in your rain and flew on your wind. but that was then. that was a passing thunderstorm and fair weather isn't always condusive to friendship.

the winter forgets. empty dry air accepts none of our burdens. the winter isolates. detaches. leaves from their branches. flowers from their gardens.

the winter forgets. lust from its flesh. lovers from their friends.

11-10-03 monday 8pm brick NJ

the night will not be your savior when you've forgotten how to live. let these words be my cross. crucify my heart. let it die for my sins. so that someday yet i might be forgiven.

the cancer i swallow fills me not with death, but rather i consume him. because i am emptier yet.

these bottles i caress. tender as virgins. and sweet as. they don't fill me with their poison euphoria. i absorb it all.

these friends that i clutch. pulses of bittersweet passion that move my blood. they keep me alive as they make me wish to die. the night is not my savior. neither these bottles nor these friends. i know this. always have. but human is as birds must fly. the wind drawn to those wings like air to fire. human is as it is created. angry emptiness unabating. all that it seeks swallowed up in how much it needs.

how calm the air is when you choose not to listen. while life pounds madly on my door i just lay back. pretend no one's home. the night will not forgive us for how we used her. how we spread her soft thighs and dug our teeth in. how we spread her open like a victim and pumped her full of our motives. our selfish passions.

there was no affection. there was no love to be dredged from those polluted waters. only filth. only corpses. to be found or to be hidden.

11-10-03 monday 9pm brick NJ

i don't want to be that dark secret. that writing on your grave that no one else can see. i don't want to be that remorseful friend. who leads you into hell and then says they're sorry when. i don't want that. and i don't see how you possibly can.

i don't want to be that one mistake that you can't amend. that surge of hate when you look back upon.

secrets have all lives. all hearts that ever dared to. there are secrets that we keep and those that keep us. those that remain kept and those that steal everything else we've done. i don't want to be that one.

we've been given a choice. more than once. and each time we chose to take that risk. i sit listening to the phone ring and want so much to answer it.

but i'm still that dark secret. nothing's different. i'm still that lie you'll try to take to your grave, but i don't want to be that.

love has no pity for those whom she bleeds. she's just a vampire. hungry. turns these eager hearts into one so that they must walk for eternity longing for that forbidden blood.

hearts make no sound as they break. quiet as an empty grave.

i don't know that i can speak. what words are there left to say. i don't want to talk of feelings. don't want to share things. i don't know that i can heal. or that i ever did. maybe i was born broken. doomed to always seek a reason. perhaps this heart was designed unable to receive real love. so instead it feeds on the carcass of.

it hurts. it always does. how can it not when. it hurts because it had to. so i let it. it hurts. it really does. silent hearts. empty graves. secrets kept. choices made.

if you ever really loved me i'll never know for sure. because who i am is not someone who can believe in such things, even if circumstance we're more abiding. if you ever really loved me i only hope that you felt my love was genuine. maybe i'm not someone who can receive, but i still like giving. maybe i'm just someone who can't ever be happy, but know that for a moment you almost made me believe.

11-10-03 monday 10pm brick NJ

i know that you're lying. just not what you're lying about. that's just the way these things present themselves to unwilling minds.

and who's to say. where is my position so much better to judge than anyone else's is? it most certainly isn't.

but i have to make a judgement. i'm forced to. because life often requires it. i never wanted to, but situations demand. i don't know that i can.

i know that you're lying. always have. it's just something in my blood that curdles when the moment isn't pure enough. i know it, but i don't know what. and the worst is always my first stop. the worst is always least likely to disappoint. the worst. it always manages to happen.

i know. it's just that. i've always known, but. quiet songs. quieter hearts. try to hear them break, but you can't. they won't let. try to tell them that they shouldn't. but they have their own reasons.

it could've been worse i guess. still it could've been much better. there's no right way to love when. but it still can't be wrong. can it?

i just want to be able to lay back and watch as your life remembers itself. to uphold the love i've claimed. i've nothing to gain and everything to sacrifice. these are the wagers i have made. i'm no victim. i've no pages of protest or innocence. just wish i knew what i should do. leave you be. let you forget. isn't that wat this situation demands. hasn't that always been the plan. i die another death. and someone else learns to live again.