Dark Poetry Prose Poetry January 1, 2005 Dark Poetic Prose

Thank You (Scoots)

January 1, 2005

thought i saw you browsing the site a few times around christmas. could be wrong. but i get almost no hits for 'sad writing'. one other person at pacbell.net. and i'm almsot positive the litenet was you, if not the verizon.

can't help but figure you want to be noticed. you could easily use another search term like 'sad poetry' or 'dark poetry' that i come up nearly as high for, and i'd never know it was you.

that stirred me up a bit inside.

almost wrote you an email, but then i remembered what i'd said in the last one and didn't.

just feel bad having left it the way i did.

really what i should've said to you in a final email is that i'm really grateful to you. you were the only person who ever made me feel like they were actually eager and happy to be with me.

and because of that i actually felt happy when i was around you.

so here's what i managed to write about us, you, me. then. now.

i hope it at least, if nothing else, lets you know how much i appreciate you. how much what we had meant. and still does.

all the best to you scoots.

1-01-05 9:13pm saturday

the future never really occured to me as we would pursue the things we did.

it would come afterward. just as for every rising sun there is eventually darkness.

i would've been kinder if i wasn't so afraid of it making me vulnerable. the softer i feel the harder i try to make myself seem.

but i never did thank you for how good you made me feel.

for that little while. for the first time in my life. i was glad to be alive.

thank you doesn't seem enough, but it's all i have to give.

1-01-05 saturday 10:01pm

to penetrate such darkness. any light would falter.

to think that any one person could have such an impact. as to teach another that it is possible to want to live after so many years of wishing that you never had.

just a teacup on saucer. both delicate and strong. able to hold such hot liquids. but should it be dropped.

some would say that i make my own pain. maybe you would as well.

people get used to all sorts of things. sometimes anything familiar is a comfort. no matter what it might be.

just because it sounds bad, doesn't mean i don't remember the beautiful things. even if you paint it black, there's still that other color underneath.

my words have mostly served to highlight the darker parts of. but that doesn't mean i don't remember what else there was.

some would say i could if i only tried. but they've never been me.

i know i could've been much kinder to you. if i wasn't so afraid of being open. but i think also you probably could've been kinder too. and i think you would've if you had the time. but there were much more important things you had to do.

1-01-05 saturday 10:39pm

counting the colors that make up your faults. whom have i hurt. what friends have i lost.

there must be weakness in everyone. and strength as well.

we all juggle them. but some are bound to be more talented.

me, i get them all confused. can't tell one from the other. me, i have a hard time discerning which is which. especially when they're up in the air like this.

it's easy to sit back being happy with yourself and think that everyone else ought to be.

everyone thinks their life is hard. it may be. i would suspect.

but a hard life nor an easy one for that matter, has nothing at all to do with happiness.

i tried to understand you. maybe i never did. so much about the living.

but i think i got it just a little bit. the struggle is. you wouldn't know who you were without it.

all you require is a good reason to keep on fighting. and you have this.

so where in that equation could i ever fit.

1-01-05 saturday 11:05pm

first words come not eager. tortured code of the heart. forward, parenthesis, backslash.

<love>

charmed and deserving, but not had.

</love>

open and engaging,

everything about it right except the syntax.

these words that have always been with me have never been the words i'd hoped to say.

these words suppose to be my savior have salvaged nothing but regret.

can't take them back. can't close the dams they've opened up.

can't revive now all the things that've been drowned in their floods.

all the words i have, have never had the right ones.

it's broken. a link that doesn't work.

all the words i claim to own. they use me more than i could ever.

it's never right. it's never been. so long chasing my own tail. i'm exhausted.