Dark Poetry Prose Poetry January 3, 2004 Dark Poetic Prose

1-03-04 saturday 8pm brick NJ

if life is just this. this solitairy minute by minute struggle just to see the next. if it is. if it really were i'd need not write about it. because it would just be. and we wouldn't feel like we've failed. that it's so much more than this, only we aren't strong enough or wise enough to find a way to have.

life reads just like a novel when that's how you treat it. ambivalent characters who don't know if they're the hero or the villain. metaphors so full of themselves that even the author can't explain them. and of course drama. suspense. human suffering. and that campy notion of our ability to overcome it.

and regardless of how you choose to avoid it. sit back and look at life through a telescope. like some distant planet. full of strange and alien creatures. as much as you try to just watch. eventually something. someone crosses your path and the attraction is so strong that it rips you right out of your perfectly molded to fit your ass comfy leather chair.

it's complicated. there's no such thing as just wrong and right. it's a mountain. with faces to climb. ranging from the lowest levels to the highest peak. the bottom isn't only where you land after you've fallen it's also where you may begin your ascent. and the summit is not merely a height achieved. it's also the place where you must begin your descent. peaks and valleys. valleys and peaks. wrong and right are only markers. and life is everything between.

01-03-04 saturday 10pm brick NJ

i want us to be friends. always. just as much as you do. i'm just not sure what that means to me. to you. i don't want us to end up friends like me and mcdoofus have. i love him. and i believe he believes he loves me, but somehow it's empty. there's loyalty, but that's all. we don't fulfill each other in any way anymore other than the selfish concept of knowing someone is there if you're really desperate.

by the way, i remembered again. it was like having flashbacks. that first night. you sitting on the floor. me laying on the bed. my head next to yours. staring at the top of your red head and wanting so much to smell it. touch it. holding back for the time being. then later giving in.

me in my chair. trying to be innocent. knowing i was anything but. and then you pulling me down into your lap. and holding. just holding the moment like it was the last heartbeat life would ever give.

and how i did it. seduced you. your hand. your palm. not that you didn't want it, but i guess i didn't have to give it. take it. let it have.

and your fingernails running up and down my arm like shivers. and over my back in breaking waves.

i said i wanted to remember. and now i have again. i said i loved you. loved you enough to leave it. stay friends. i still believe that. i'm just not sure what it means.

what it is you would like for us to be? and how much of that do you believe we actually can? shall we love each other like this for the rest of our days. grieving hearts wishing that? will it change. can we mold it to suit the situation? is that what this love deserves from us? to be beaten down until it asks no more than circumstance allows? wrong and right don't concern me now. only you. only us. what we've been. what we've become. what we ought to be. but i don't know. i don't know at all what it means.

01-03-04 saturday 10:36pm brick NJ

no more briefcase files to disguise this face. no more uploads of frantic feelings that don't have a place.

just now. and ever after until. just how happiness teases. penetrates for a second and then pulls out again.

first it was me and you. then it was us. first it was wrong. then it didn't matter what it was.

and when it was wrong again i know you know i hated it. hated it more than i ever dreamt i could. and when it was wrong again i hope you know that my love for you never came into question. quite to the contrary it was reinforced. i never thought i'd be willing to suffer that much again. but i had to. because i couldn't lose you. and still i knew i couldn't keep you.

what i had held was just a portion. and what i thought was beautiful just a reflection. what we shared only a concept of. two comets crossing paths on their separate flights cross the heavens. you set me on fire. and i was never so pleased to burn. you filled my life with heat and light. even if that meant i melted in the process. i couldn't choose anything less.

what it is. what it really is, is that i'm watching it happen. that distance taking effect. and i don't want it to. i'd rather hurt for you than to see it forget.

01-03-04 saturday 11pm brick NJ

how does it hurt when you know that all the hurting has already been? when every metaphor bears the same mark. and every moment befriends that same stark and lonely song. i'd look at you if i could without making it worse yet. i'd hold you if i could. if we could hold each other again without making it that much more complicated.

i can rhyme. i can wax poetic. but truthfully all i want to do is to know you again. to have you know me. like we did then. i could cry. i could blame all kinds of things. but truthfully all i want to do is remember us. how beautiful it was.

saturday, January 03, 2004 11:31pm

i'm here like this. i've always been. and it never mattered until.

i'm here. wishing i was with you. it's not the first time. won't be the last. but, well i know tomorrow will find a way to convince me that it is.

i'm here like this. and you're there like you've been. we take these commitments and we promise them that. so noble. so righteous. what can i say except that it all makes sense. what can i do other than accept.

i'll love you for just who you are if you can reciiprocate. it.

i'll hate it all because it played me like it did. hate myself. cuz i always knew it. but after everything else has had its say i'll just want you. here with me. like we once were. pretending that there's nothing else in the world besides you and me.

wasn't it a beautiful dream. wasn't it just something that oyu wish could be real. then you wake up and know that. then your eyes open and see.

i'll love you how i can. and try to believe that you love me. it's much harder than you'd think it shoudl be. i'll love you quietly lile a song only a piano can sing. soft and brooding all full of heartache like every life ought to be. cuz it's better to ache than feel nothing. because everyone must lose. and if they must they ought to lose this beautifiully.