Dark Poetry Prose Poetry January 19, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

1-19-03 9:32pm brick NJ sunday

the days move in sudden repetition. one second takes forever, but the weeks falls away in hours. one life is all there is. one life to either cherish or to wish you never did. if only it were so simple. if only every question had a definite answer. but it's not always a matter of finding as much as it's the point of realizing it isn't there to be found. every question isn't meant to conclude. some exist just because they do. and they always will. sometimes it rains when the sun is still out. and sometimes your only option is doubt.

it's bothersome how the pinnacle becomes the bottom so quickly. how words just days old decay like corpses buried for decades. it can damge your pride, but moreso it only offers one more reason not to trust. it propels that sense of emptiness deeper down your gut.

i thought i had a question for you, but all the questions fell away when i realized what we are. when i came to understand changing is not within any of us. it's something that comes and goes as it pleases. something greater than these lives can claim. it wasn't hard to see. but it wasn't easy to know. stepping over the cracks between it was obvious a fall was inevitable. i don't know why. i don't even want to try anymore. the cold clenches and it's so apparent. i've always been the background. the last resort. the friend to come back to when the others have put their angry faces on.

they can care and still be absent. they can feel something, but it's never been enough. always so close, but never close enough. it's what i make it perhpas. but maybe that's all i can be. they send their thoughts in packages and message, but they can't find the time to. the effort isn't worth it. i'm good enough to love, good enough to remember when they need to talk. just not good enough to take any time away from those other endeavors.

a conversation is jut what you make of it. and we've made all of it that we can. a sentiment from miles away is still a sentiment, but it doesn't heal this broken heart. a friend is a friend no matter how they touch you. but touches have all kinds of meanings. and when you're alone this much, the thought of love is not sufficient to fill the absense. when life lingers on as long as it has i need something i can hold onto. and you just don't want to have. the effort is just too much. i'm not worth it i guess. so be it.