Dark Poetry Prose Poetry February 7, 2004 Dark Poetic Prose

02-07-03 1pm brick NJ saturday

i've been selfish. it's true. but not without reason. because i was afraid of feeling too much for you.

these feelings aren't a rollercoaster. unless you know of one that goes down forever.

when it hurts that's what i do. i alienate. i pull away. isn't it obvious i'm scared to get too close to you again.

your life i guess is much harder than mine. at least from your perspective. and therefore you must need a good friend much more than i.

i don't know if i could've been that no matter the circumstance. i'd say i need time, but i've already had plenty of that.

i guess i need someone who can understand that when i push them away that's really when i want them to hold me closer yet.

i guess i could've been a better friend, i meant to, but maybe i'm just not capable. but i suppose if you really need a friend, there are lots of better choices.

just know this, that you're not the cause of my sadness. it's just who i am. no one needs a friend like that.

02-07-04 saturday 9:10pm brick NJ

i've done it again. taken the one thing that was good in my life and given it back. i've done it again. given the one person i wanted to stay most a thousand reasons to leave.

it's hard when yourself is constantly sabotaging you. it's hard to keep friends. hard not to say the wrong things.

it's hard to say the right things. the things that i meant to, when anything about feelings causes you to turn into a bitch. under certain circumstances i tend to say no when i mean to say yes. tend to say go when i really need them.

it's only myself that i blame. self-destructive little imp. but i kinda thought you were different. kinda thought you understood how i am. that you almost liked it.

i haven't overlooked your hardships. infact, i feel bad that they've been so frequent. but like a cloud all full of rain, much as it wants to it can't bring sunshine. it can cry for you, but that's all it can do. like a wave in the ocean. no matter how much it tries to be calm, it has no choice but to crash.

i never meant to imply that you didn't always live up to everything i loved about you. writing sometimes makes things sound worse than they are. writing and beer make for bitter partners.

so i've driven you away. it's what i do best. the more i love them, the more i resist.

02-07-04 9:39pm brick NJ saturday

when you've been alone as long as i have then you can tell me how to react when someone attempts to make contact.

when you've been me for a while then you can tell me about the easiness of my life.

isn't it just so cliched, to sit at the keys and be wishing that you had some real words to say. a real face to say them to. all the while knowing if you had the chance you couldn't do it. all the while knowing that as much as the writing has betrayed you, it's still all that you have.

like seconds to minutes. you don't intend to, but you do it. like lovers to friends. you can build your walls, but there are still entrances.

maybe if a night ever leaves me sober again i'll go back and try to find the person that i meant to be. but odds are that won't happen. so it's probably best to tell me now if this is a person you want to know or if it's someone that you'd rather you didn't.

like months into years. you never realize you're getting older until you look in the mirror. see that stranger looking back at you. like love into whatever this is. time doesn't care if we make separate paths. only we do. life doesn't play favorites. it just asks that we live it. tonight isn't any different than all those that showed me the best of us. it's just that i am. it's easy to love you. but so hard to adjust it to fit the circumstance.

soemtimes it easier just to push you away and pretend that it's your fault. rather than having to admit what it means to me. rather than having to admit to the loss.