Dark Poetry Prose Poetry March 1, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

03-01-03 saturday 8:43pm brick NJ

write i am. without question. no doubt. just half hearted sentences that don't end. thought i'd found a few friends, but i mistook use for love again. it's not the first time. and i guess it won't be the last. unless. someone else i am. almost have. someone else so brave and wanted. or at least in dreams. hold tight to the ridges of your fondest wishes. because the surface is weak. and soon what you hold will be letting go of you. the ground rushing nearer until there's nothing left but the shadow of blood that your fractured heart left during impact. there'll be nothing left of you except the pool of thoughts you collected in these literary buckets. and even if no one should ever read them. they'll still be there long after i've departed.

i've no doubt could time be obscured. could i have been there then you'd never have wanted. it's consequence presiding over lives that don't know. never have. reigning over lives that are shorter than forever, but so much longer than they should have been.

i write when too much emotion floods my heart. i click send when withdrawal supercedes inebriation. indulge in the substance while i suffer the lack of the love i crave in you. submerse myself in the bittersweet symphony of sad songs and mixed prescriptions. while i suffer the absense of a love you never gave. a love i saw in you, but could not touch. a love i felt coming from, but you chose not to trust.

i can't say that it's over because i know it never will be. that memory. that almost is a pernanent tattoo on my flesh. a closet in my heart that will always have that hanging there. however old and musty. unworn and faded, could never throw it away. not someday. not ever. there's just the sensation of reality invading the flesh of tender dreams. not someday. not ever. there's just the nauseating feeling of circumstance repealing every truth i once believed.

blame you. blame me. blame who. there's no one to blame but living. this breathing that persists in my lungs while i resist. long for love when love is nothing that you can ever receive. you give it, but you can't have. you melt the wax, but the flame is dead. you play the chorus, but the verses forget. who you are. that is if you ever were/ maybe it was all just a dream. maybe it still is. and i just need to wake up to die again. die one last time so that i don't need all that i can't have. so that i don't have to keep looking for a love that no one has.

the days so long, but even the shortest nights are always longer still. my life is still short, but you'd never believe it to be me. i heard you say once that you coudl not fall in love again. i heard you say it, but i did not understand the reasons. i heard you say that you loved me, but i foudn it impossible to believe. after all that's been, i just can't see how it could be. i heard you say once that i had touched you just enough to evoke a slight emotion. and i wondered if that could be, why not more then. i wondered if one tear coudl fall then why not many? and i wondered if you could love this little much why not more. if you coudl love any part of me, why not all. and i wondered if you could love at all, what are you waiting for?

3-01-03 9:26pm saturday brick NJ

hold you stare. hold your place like you'rre on a cliff overlooking the end of your days. promise yourself no more pain. saturate your life with the mundane. it works if you want it to. if happens if you let it. in the end it's all the same. just a sack of bones fading to dust like so many before you. your legacy just that you refused. no one wil remember but you. your legacy just that you chose to abstain from love. and no one will care when you're gone.

if i tremble. if my heart skips a beat when you start to speak. don't blame me. i try to prevent it. it just isn't that easy. if i shudder. if i slip and send it when it wasn't meant to be read. don't blame me. i try to prevent it. it just doesn't always consent. easy or hard it's all the same when lovers are friends. life or death. there's no difference when.

that same song sounds different every time around. i hear it over and over and still find new places to cry. it must be easy when you're you. all alone and proud of it. all alone and presuming you shoudl be. it must be easy when you're sure that alone is where you want to be. or even if not, it's what you've chosen. so deal with it.

i don't have one good reason that you shoudl care. i don't have one good word to offer for why you sould love me. other than. other than just that's how i feel about you. other than, love is ometiing to be found when you least expected.that if it coes it ought not be forsaken. if you don't, so be it. but if you can, don't abandon that chance at. happiness is not so readily available that we should ever turn her away when she's willing to. no, love isn't everything, but it's so much more than most lives ever have. no, love isn't everything, but it's so much more htan just living. if i'm not the one, so be it, but i know that someone is. if i'm not the one, i want you to find who is.