Dark Poetry Prose Poetry March 15, 2004 Dark Poetic Prose

10:49am 3-15-04 monday

life just lays in bed all day masturbating to memories of living. then at night she stops and goes to sleep. leaving me alone in the dark like an open grave.

12:47pm

life just lays in bed all night sleeping. while i hold a lonely vigil by the tv's light. simply listening to her breathe.

7:50pm

life just lays in bed all day whle i go on pretending. life just lays there wishing it were dead while i go on breathing.

it's over, but i don't get the benefit of having it actually end yet. i'm dead, but i'm still waiting on the rest and the peace.

it's over. there's no more happy. i'm dead, but still waiting for life to let me sleep.

8:37pm 03-15-04 monday

solving puzzles as you go. watching. falling like dominoes. action begets reactions in sequence until all are fallen. all lay face down. subsisting in a puddle of their own drool.

learning the rules as you go. watching the sky chow down on the sun until. there's only darkness. and then repeating again. the daylight bursts out of its lonely closet and shrinks your pupils again.

watching. learning. solving. like magnets drawn to. pulled by their own chemistry. until someone or something releases them. because that power is not theirs. they only know attraction. they only know want.

until something. someone breaks that plane. and they begin to search again for reactions. cater to the forces within them that they cannot contain.

bite down hard. hard on your tongue until your teeth are swimming in its blood. don't speak. don't ask. and most certainly don't question. the story has been spun. recite the dialogue you were given and know that your character will never be made whole by plot's end.

bite down hard. exchanging one pain for another. don't read ahead. don't ask for explanations. just live the chapters as best you can and hope that the climax is not far away. though you know it is. try to forget. try to sleep like you really can. and when you wake up the next morning the page will be blank. resist the temptation to write anything upon it.

9:02pm 03-15-04 monday

"i wasted my time til time wasted me" - paul o'neill (savatage, when the crowds are gone, gutter ballet)

i wish it would. i keep wasting, but it just ignores me. i wish it would. wish that it would. i'm wasting. and biding, but it doesn't care at all. it just laughs and looks down on me.

and two eyes off in the distant night could be anything. but i imagine that they're looking at me. two blue pinpoints off in the endless dark could be myself looking at me, but i imagine they're just porchlights waiting for someone to come home.

two lives off in the distance could be anyone i suppose. but i remember just who they are and only wonder, try to imagine how that distance grows.

and in scrutinizing myself i find little solace, but many questions. whose answers i submit to myself, but never them. whose answers i hold like torches in a vigilante mission against the demons within.

life is only days of the week now. measured in careful precision by how many minutes to the next crusade. and how many victims. measured in deliberate precision by how many words and how many of them. and as each one comes to me, i ask why they do. but they just laugh and continue their dreary parade. they just laugh and explain to me how i'm the one who summoned them.

i wish it would. wish it would so much. time like dirty sheets that can't be removed. you must sleep upon them until. time like pillow cases full of maggots. you must rest your head upon until they consume you.

two eyes off in the distant dark night. just porchlights someone forgot to turn off. or else are waiting on. like this. like every paragraph that begs for an audience that came, but didn't stay. frozen in their awkward stare. waiting on the moment they might disappear.

9:31pm 03-15-04 monday

sure you're happy. of course you're smiling. you've got it all and then some extra. how does that feel?

sure i'm a loser. get what i deserve. get just what i asked for. all wounds self-inflicted.

but it's not like i haven't tried. it's just that there's nothing else to feel. and feeling something i still prefer to nothing. it's not as if i never meant to be happy. it just didn't want to happen.

breathe those tears back. concentrate on anything except. like giving brith to yourself. like watching that head break the membrane of the cervix. is it alive or is it dead? how do i tell the difference?

of course you're happy. why shouldn't you smile when you have everything then some more yet. i'd be happy too. i'd be smiling also. if i were you instead of me.

and you can write if off as all just the cravings of a misery addict. you might be right. but then again, there are many things i desire, but so few that i knwo i can have.

so choosing like a throat against the blade, i choose to bleed rather than t o continue breathing. and if you can blame go right ahead. like watching yourself fall in slow motion knowing the world is watching. i choose to pretend it never happened. that the blood dripping from my wound doesn't matter. i choose to believe that it will stop, even if i know that it has no intentions of. i choose to ride on like i never fell at all. because the world is laughing now thanks to me. and you're smiling. you have every reason to. if i were you, i''d be smiling too.

if i hadn't fallen. if those wounds didn't feel so alive and good. so i rode on and they bled. i rode on trying to pretend i wasn't open. trying to act as if i didn't care that i was. and i even believed it for a while. but i rode too long. too far. i was so stubborn. so sure that i could keep going. and i did. kept going until i had no more in me left to bleed.

10:06pm 03-15-04 monday

i hate the way it's changed me. taken what i loved and turend it all to pain. i hate the way that living evolves. takes everything you care about and convinces you that you don't need them.

hate the way i've adapted. come to treat you just like a regular person. hate myself for allowing that to happen.

and if the things i say should hurt you. i regret it. but i just can't sit and watch myself become the lies that i've prepetrated. can't sit and watch what once mattered so much forget that.

i had hoped to see you live again. really did. but i realize that isn't going to happen. and i can't stand to watch your tedious suicide process.