Dark Poetry Prose Poetry March 18, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

3-18-03 tuesday 7:41pm brick NJ

it's a moment's pause caught among a thousand thoughts. the wind of time blows through your life and scatters all the notes you've collected. the years bustle into your solitude and disrupt that perfect, calm aloneless you have kept.

i'd heard you'd returned what almost was a call too much. i heard you still could remember us, but i didn't know why. i believed it, but only as a child believes in santa claus. the allure of the lie just strong enough to overshadow its pretense.

when i write it deeper than usual. when the words prove more fitful than they often are. do you wonder? do you think? do you even see the difference in me?

i know not what you want. nor what i seek. what's the use in knowing, knowing if i did, i would have to confront the fact that i could never have it?

when your voice smiles it brightens my life a little bit. all this darkness has its place. i do belong to it. but when your light enters it's as if it hold some portion of my heart all these years i've yet to know.

when your hands are there to hold it's hard to do anything but. when i feel your eyes walking across my skin it's as if it's the very first time it's ever been touched. when you are that close to me it takes all my restraint not to lean into your chest and cry. from the moment that you enter i am already grieving for when you'll be leaving again. when you're inside me it's so much different than anyone else can. when you're inside me i want to freeze that moment in time. keep everything just as it is right then. because it's the only time i've ever been happy to be alive.

3-18-03 tuesday 9:30pm brick NJ

just a little more lonely than usual i guess. nothing unusual. just a little more than i'm accustomed to. you're not expected. i'm not waiting on. but even still, some part always does. i'm not asking. i'm not looking forward to. but some cavity in my heart still wait for you to fill it. always will.

every song. every night. plays out like a ballad written anonymous. like a movie independent and subtitled. you could understand if you were willing, but it's such a burden. it's such an effort. it's so much easier just to nod and pretend that you do, even though it isn't really so. even though, tomorrow will catch you in your lie. that doesn't matter when tomorrow isn't something we could ever share. when tomorrow is just a shadow we never know if the next sunrise will cast for us.

i write too much. i think way beyond the thinking becomes us. i love like it's the first and the last. but that's only because it really is. it coaxes as the darkness does. sweet and salty like the bottle my crave. wet and blurry promises take away all that life impresses upon. i don't want this. but i am. i don't want any of it, but it is. so it must. so i worship all the ways the world has to make me forget who i am during the day. so at night i worship the gods of oblivion. they keep me breathing for the next sun. that's what everyone expects. that's what they want. so i do it. that's what i'm supposed to wait for. isn't it? that's what living is i guess. hanging on the dead moments until life decides to act again. that's what life is i'm guessing now. as the definition fades. you wake and sleep and inbetween resist the urge to take it all away.

3-18-03 10:00pm tuesday brick NJ

i'm gonna go. it's what i always should've done. i'm gonna leave you to yourself. just like you want to be. no reason i should interfere with the world you keep.

i'm gonna go. don't want to be that footnote at the bottom of your pages. rather be left out of the index than be that. i'm gonna go and try to remember when paragraphs befriends. try to remember when the pages still wanted to hold us.

i'm gonna play the song until it can't even stand to hear itself. and then i'll still play it again. i'm gonna go and make like this is just how we planned it. as if it all makes sense. though it doesn't. it never has. i'm gonna stop asking. no more questions. no more seeking answers that aren't there to catch.

i'm gonna go like i was strong enough all along to do this. though i wasn't. still am not. but nevertheless. i'm gonna go. pretend it was just how it should've been. hey, maybe it was. and i just couldn't accept.

i'm gonna go and try not to think about the end. try to remember when there was no reason to ever think about things like this. when everything was another day. a new way to be together. a new ligth to shine on us. i'm gonna try best i can not to think about the leaving. just to remember the beginning. and all those inbetweens that made it magic when magic seemed something lost back in the past. i'm gonna go, but i'll try not to forget. try to remember when say this could never cross my mind. when thinking about leaving was the furthest thing from my mind.

i'm gonna go still loving you because there are no other choice. it's that way or not at all. i's the end or the non-beginning we've flirted with when time made spaes in life nothing else coudl cotain. but time teases tender hearts. time uses the power she has against us.

your world can never be a part of mine. and my world is just a shadow cast in your universe. so oversdhawowed by all the other planets that revolve around it. my life can never be close enough to know what it's like to be tere in yours. you don't want ti. there's not purpose in what attempt. i've gotta go. lose this love that lost me so logn before i ever even knew it.

i'm gonna go. not because i want to, but because i know the purposes have all be lost.

friends never found love in such. and lover never made a friend of. we chose what we would be, but i guess i made the wrong choices. we chose what we would be. but i guess the choice decided before we could. i supposed long enough just couldn't last. and i guess tomrorow got tired of waiting for us to asnwer her.

i'm gonna go. not because i want to.not because i don't still want. but just because i know i can't. that i'll never be enogh for you.