Dark Poetry Prose Poetry March 21, 2004 Dark Poetic Prose

8:01pm 03-21-04 sunday

a street with no lines down the middle to tell you what side you should be on. or even which direction to go. must rely on memory.

thoughts in my head sing like a choir. but their gospel seems tired and trite. i wonder is it the heart or the flesh that causes love to manifest itself into these lives. or maybe both depending on the situation. or maybe neither. just the seduction of loneliness.

leaden hearts are strong. hard to damage. but they are so much weight to carry. lost eyes upon a face that's seen everywhere are a contradiction of logic that only fear could ever create.

it's not that i was that stupid. it's that i still am. it's not yesterday or even tonight that matters. it's always been tomorrow that i'm afraid of.

nowhere smiles. like watching headlights on the highway. clear and bright for a second and then they vanish into the darkness. you might wonder where they're headed. who they are escorting there. but really, you're just watching the sparkling parade. overwhelmed by the idea that outside your own, life is moving. constantly and with great speed.

a year later you found you had made yourself more alone than you meant to. because alone will do that. you give it a little space and soon it overtakes. a year later you found a use for me again. i guess i should've been angry. or at least tried to express. but i can't. i never could. i just ran. because all my feelings live inside these silent words and images. maybe i'm just as much at fault for why we drifted apart. since i could never really connect. and i don't suppose we were meant to be together in that respect. but i remember believing we were once as sure as i now believe that we aren't.

i hate to hurt you like that. to say no when you ask. i'm not trying to prove anything. i just can't be what you're asking me to be.

8:39pm 3-21-04 sunday

empty houses. even full of people they are. empty invitations that lick at old scars. try to make that dead flesh feel again. but it never will.

it's over because you wanted it to be. i let go because you left me no other choice. i've come to realize whether you love doesn't matter so much as whether you want to. a person can choose anyone they want, but it's nothing unless they choose you.

fast forward to. skip ahead to when i've remember how to not say yes. still can't say no. can't hurt you like that. but even so, can't ever say yes again. knowing as i do now, you'll make me regret that i did.

9:54pm 3-21-04 sunday

lately i draw in fits. i don't try to. it just happens. and it's not until it's finished that i have the chance to sit back and look at what i've done. i stare at the lines. the black spaces. and see the image for the first time. and question who created it. where it came from and where i was during that process.

and i write the same way. as someone else entirely. never knowing what's occuring until it is complete.

being yourself is difficult when you still don't know who that is. i try to remember, my hand gives the pictures and i look at them, but can't really see. my hands type the words and i read them, but don't understand. not usually.

being yourself is complicated when you don't really like that person. but who else can i ever be. so i guess i just try to forget. push it all down keeping only the barest neccessities.

tried to be. really did. to communicate. to connect. to feel something other than this constant absense. maybe i even did. once or twice it may have happened. how terrifying and euphoric that feeling was. to be. to be yourself and to feel good as. like a blanket on the beach. dancing in the ocean wind. held in place by the presense of another human being. only one person's flesh keeping you from floating off into the ocean never to be seen again.

and again everything is different. but not different enough. ice cream melting on the counter because someone who wanted forgot about. hard sweet sugar and cream slowly turning to liquid. a cold puddle of empty, wasted sweetness.

i've not forgotten. if i only could. your ability to make me feel so wanted. your tendency to do just that and then make me wish you never had.

maybe some people can't comprehend love apart from pain. they seek it. protect it. like miners guarding their claim. always thinking they'll find that gold in amongst all that dirt. life is not enriched by who you've loved or how much you've gained. life is fed by the love you're given. and starves without it.

but it's not even that. i don't mind at all that you didn't. don't. or can't. i just can't seem to get over the prospect that no one can. because i don't. because i can't. because i never really wanted to be loved at all. i always just wanted to be dead. so many distractions. so many temptations. but i'm not sure now if i ever loved anyone other than death.

you watch your freedom slowly being legislated away and you don't really care because you've never felt free to begin with. i should care. be outraged. but i don't because i've always felt imprisoned.

you listen as the words scrape your skin. it's him asking, but in my mind it feels like i'm the one begging. it's me failing miserablly at politely discouraging him, but in my mind i'm the one being rejected. is that selfish or empathy? is that love or the fear of it? or could it be that i've known you a little bit too long. and it would take a lot more than a night in atlantic city to convince me that this isn't another one of our many one night stands.

10:24pm 03--21-04 sunday

i can't walk again yet, but i can crawl away. it's slower. and ungraceful, but it still gets me to my destination. watching my life happen as i sit in front of the screen. just like a movie it plays out so predictably.

it's strange to see yourself there in the moment. almost unaware that person is you. the distance i put into each pause grows greater each time that i do. i'm watching myself, but i don't want to be. it's just that as far away as i can go, still that's all that i can see. i try to run, but it follows. that great distance i perceived, was really only a few minutes that took advantage of me. that space between this life and this heart never really changed at all. the only thing that changed is how i measure the length. how much i let them see.

don't want that sad heart to stay that way. want so much for it to find a reason to beat again, but i know that i could never be it. i wanted to be that more than anything. but that was then and i was wrong. because you might, but i'll never belong. not to you. not to this life. not to anything.

feelings tend to mushroom like bombs. exploding upon impact. spreading their damage in endless increments. i just want you to be happy. but not with me. cause i can't. i just want everyone to be happy. since i am not. i only wish for everyone else to be. because no one should ever have to feel like this.

i can't walk again. maybe i never really learned how. can't remember now. life is a stranger. and love even more foreign. feelings float like ghosts through the walls i've rebuilt. they just pass right through. there's no way to keep it hidden. there's no way to keep out what wants so very much to get in.