Dark Poetry Prose Poetry March 29, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

3-29-03 saturday 10pm brick NJ

i don't rememeber, but i still hear the ghosts now and then. rustling through the tombstones in my graveyard heart. i can't quote the phrases. i can't recount the moments, but i still see the shadows now and then stumbling over the epithaths of the many chances we've put to rest.

if saturday should rain and sunday too. if monday is the next the sun will hold us again, it's sad, but it's not the worst scenario. it's isn't even unusual that way too many nights should find me here without you. it isn't that you're not. it's why. it isn't that i want. it's that i know there's something you do and i can't give it to you.

alone would be just fine if only it wasn't without you. alone was all that i wanted until i wanted you. alone would be the perfect place if you were here alone with me. alone was always where i wanted to be until i found out alone did not include you.

all the pages. lined up in binders like ready soldiers. stacked in formation like a library of a life i came so close to living. of a loving i was always giving. i know you loved me the best you could. i know you did. but the pages keep forming. the soldiers keep gathering. the library growing fuller while my life grows ever more empty.

if not for you there'd be little ache. but if not for you there'd be little pleasure. no reason to dream or to wait for tomorrow on the off chance that you might feel the urge to. if it should be degrading, i don't feel that way. if it's somehow wrong, i don't really see how. this is me. who i am and who i love. this is who you are and how much. i accept that. i can accept that for now. do i wait for it to change. maybe some nights when it's tempting. but in truth i know better. do i want more. of course i do. but if i can't have the more from you, then your less is what i choose.

3-29-03 11:30pm brick NJ

feeling myself like i'm someone else. watching the vdieos. hearing the songs. listening to the listen. you've been gone again too long. but i guess for me it can never be enough. that's my fault. that is my flaw. what are yours?

consuming myself as i will. in the hours that apply. a few drops of molson and a couple of caplets of something similiar. erasing myself as i try. still in the morning i retrun. still after all the effort i wake up me again. same old person. same old people i used ot call friends.same old sex in different positions. in more and more awkward separations.

feeling myself as if someone else is. it's better than sometimes. it is. so much easier. so much less expense when there are no emotions attached to it.

and you lay there on your softa caught up in your vices and your schemes for the future. your worries about the present and your commitments unkept. you lay there same as i sit. alone because the choice is irrelevant. because the choice is just a dream pretending it is tangible. but when you try to hold it, it it isn't able to hold you.

xanax makes the night softer. beer make this love a little less dogged as the night professes it's assessments of who i am. of how many nights there are left to be more. but the night doesn't know everything. the night may know me, but it doesn't know us. the night may know all my secrets, but it can never understand how i love.

it's not for the return. though that'd be nice. it's not just because i can. it's only one of those things that happens just once in a very long while. someone like you causes me to rethink all that i have been. someone you touches me and long after the touch is gone the imprint still lingers. someone like you comes along for no other reason than it just so happened and suddenly a guess becomes an answers. suddenly the question forgets why it even asked. nothing else matters. it was just a flirtation with a life i'd scarcely engaged. but then someone like you happens to and love isn't no longer a mystery. it's as real as every breath. it's the only reason i have left. and it doesn't seem matter where or when or if you'll ever agree. it's not because i want it from you. it's just because i do. it's something i never knew was possible. something i never sought. but then someone like you comes along and proves me wrong. it's not what i wanted. not what i thought. but then someone like you comes along and it's as if i always have. that i never can not.