Dark Poetry Prose Poetry April 1, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

04-01-03 tuesday brick NJ 9pm

had you heard it before could it then somehow make sense now? had you tasted me before that first time would you remember? would you want to do it again? would you capture the memory like a breath your heart holds forever? would you hold your heart's breath until - until the love could breathe itself into? like i do. like i do.

scratch off another month on the calendar of. cross off another month in the pages your life has kept. they keep running away from us as if we had a choice. they keep escaping. and you just let them. while all i can do is watch and wonder. wonder and watch. at everything we've been forgetting when. forgetting us.

had i been there then, we both know it never would've happened. it had to be here and now. it had to be just how it is. just like this. just like how it is. it had to be.

could i hold you when you don't want to be touched at all. would you hold me when it's more of a bother than a pleasure? it's all about the sacrafice. it's all about how much you can give without asking. it's all about who we were before this and how it's changed us. everything in our future and our past so different now because. don't look back. don't look back - you just might see too much.

a shot of dream in my waking moments. a dream like life. it could've been real if it had really tried. we were talking. we were still pretending who we are is who we can be. we were holding. kissing. touching. it was a dream, but it was so real. and lately you're there again in every dream. and i don't know why. lately again, every dream has you there taunting me. just like real life only i wake up to find it isn't. only i wake up and you're gone again. just like you've always been. you're gone again. just as far as ever. ever more distant. ever more distant the more that i want to pull you closer.i feel the inhibiitiions. i feel your reservations. i just don't know why. i feel it all. every word unsaid. every promise amended. i feel it like fresh blood running through my veins. like a transfusion from you. put your breath into me again. that's what i need to breathe. that's all i really need. that's the only real living i've ever known. it's you. be it waking or in dream.

wish i knew when to stop. when over was really so. wish i knew why i hurts so much just to sit here thinking that you're not. find a new song. a new way to cry without actually doing it. find a new dream tonight. perhaps you won't be there this time as you have lo these many other nights. i don't know why it happens. i don't understand what this heart of mine expects. as aware of reality as i am i would think that it would know better, but it doesn't seem to care. it still wants what isn't it to have. it still wants you as little as you want me back. it still wants the same as when it first covetted. that first night. first glance. first kiss. first everything that led to this. i hope it never ends, but i wish i could want it a little less. like you do. i don't ever want it to end, but i wish it could be easier. like it is for you. like it was when it still was on the verge of. just a notion hoping to be born. that was then. that's long since happened. that's long since been embedded in the membranes of my person. and now i am who i am, different bceause of this. better or worse. what's the difference. i am who i am becuase of this. so different and so the same still. just as i will. waiting and writing on the crux of a dream i can scarcely remember. high on the fumes of a dream that seemed all too real. and now that i've awoken i don't want to be. now that it's ended i want to sleep again. to be with you. only in dreams. only in dreams as it should be. i want to sleep forever just to be with you. i want to sleep forever just to be with you and you wanting to be there. you willing and able to give the things in life we can only pretend. the intangibles that in real lfie we sometimes allude to, but haven't been able to defend.

i would write less if i knew how to. but the words are all i have. these words are the friend that no human can. even you. even you, the best, you're still only human. but these words belong to me. these words are me. no betrayal threatens. they'll never leave me. they've always been there whenever i have needed. they can't love me like i've dreamt of you. they can't touch me in the same ways. but it will have to do. since this is what you choose.