Dark Poetry Prose Poetry April 2, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

4-02-03 wednesday 10:32pm brick NJ

if we could live our lives in safe mode. where nothing we did wrong would ever come back again to prove itself. if we could live our lives as if we were protected. operating still, but enclosed in some mystical envelope. if we could. if safe mode were an option you surely would've chosen it. i think it's what you did choose. i think it's exactly where you are. pretending to be fully functional, while all the while the core files are hidden. while all this thime the root directory is forbidden.

had i known, i guess i mght have chosen differently. for everything you've given me. for all the ways your presense has made my life a better place, it hurts to see you there, so close, but still out of reach. still not wanting to be. you choose. i don't get to. you say your words, but you don't really speak.

if i could defragment your life. run a checkdisk on the soul of it to repair the errors. if i could. but we're people. we're not machinery. we run on hearts, not harddrives. such is our wekaness and our strength. such is our flaw and our pefection. if it were as simple as going into safe mode and deleting the corrupted files that regular mode refused. if it could only be that easy. to login to call the patch and then sit back in the knowledge that everything is whole again. but it's not. it never is. we're not machinery. we're people. and there are no patches. everything is a security risk. there is no virus protection. everything. every minute threatens. every life you touch. every person you dare to call a friend could cause a crash. could take your whole operating system and make a mess of it.

we can't live in safe mode. we can't delete the files in our heart that have been corrupted. we just have to live with them. we can't put what we'd rather not remember into the recycle been. it all must stay with us. for the duration. we're people. we're hearts. not computers. not harddrives. there's no way to reformat. there's no checkdisk. every fragment. every lost cluster becomes a part of. there's no deleting that which you don't want. it's not meant to be easy. it's just life. take it or leave it. it's not practical. it's just. it's not calculated. it just happens.

we can't drefrag. we can't empty the recycle bin. all those files collect. gather in. hearts are live. not harddrives. people are living, not computers. safe mode is for machines, not us. safe mode is for repairing computers not lives. safe mode doesn't exist in life. so stop trying to live in it. safe mode doesn't exist. so stop pretending. safe mode is just less drivers. less of everything that was. so don't opt for safe mode when you can have the full version. don't opt for safe mode just because.

i know what i've been. what i haven't. i don't know everything, but i know us. who we are. who we've become. what we wanted. what we thought, but never would. and if the last song isn't enought to say. if the last cigarette leaves you still craving. it's not that the phone didn't ring. becuase it did. it's not that you're less than you thougtht. because youre more infact. it's just that life lies sometimes. time can fly and time can crawl. you decide in the end. you go back to when. you answer your own questions because only you can. you make the notations in the ledger. be they wrong or right. they're your calculations to keep. be they wrong or right. they're what you've made of them. tomorrow can't make the corrections that yesterday couldn't. tomorrow can't be more than yeseterday pretends. don't let her fool you. she'll lie to you if you let her. she isn't what she seems. tomorrow is no better than. tomorrow and yesterday are not so very different. don't let her tell you otherwise.