Dark Poetry Prose Poetry April 3, 2004 Dark Poetic Prose

04-03-04 saturday 2:20pm

i dreamed of you the other night. i had meant to mention it, but then when i saw you it slipped my mind. i dreamed you told your wife i had cancer and that she'd allowed us to be friends. that she felt sorry for me because. we were at your house and she went out. and when she did we went to your bedroom. began to make love. but then she came back for something and found us.

i was told to leave at that point, so i don't know what happened between the two of you. only remember that no one was angry. everyone was just sad.

i walked outside. into the street. it was night. i had no car. i just walked. walked until the dream expired.

4-03-04 saturday 8:21pm

short saturdays leave gaps between. empty spaces that echo my sadness as i breathe. i've just one real friend. the unlikeliest of kinds. just one person that actually consider me sometimes.

windows in the distance are lit up with living. roads in the darkness send and receive returning travellers. arriving guests.

a panicked heart would not deter you. neither the stupid ways i attempt to conceal. i only wish i could be better for you. or at the very least be slightly more stable.

i just hate the fact that i can only say the tender things i mean to by way of these solitairy forums which you eventually might come to read. i hate the fact that when confronted with the opportunity to speak to you i can't. sarcasm masks and hostility closes the door in your face, but i love that you just barge right in anyway.

and i don't know why you bother. or how you know the answers to all those question i can't bring myself to ask you. i only know that you do. that it doesn't go unnoticed. i'd like to be just as good to you. i just don't know how or what to do.

4-03-04 saturday 9:17pm

just wish that i was normal. that the future were actually something i could plan instead of trying to figure out a way to stop it from happening. just wish i could be like the rest of them. fall in love. get married. make babies. and be happy with. maybe it wouldn't even be so bad to get divorced and later married again. it wouldn't be so bad at all. just to know that you'd lived. taken life and given it. offered love and received. it doesn't have to be forever. it only need be genuine.

even the monkey girl had her alligator man.

when i'm awake i just want to be asleep. when i'm sleeping i just don't want it to end. when i wake and i'm me i just wish that i could've woken up as anyone other than.

i used to drink because it had a tendecy to make the nights a little less dark. the silence somewhat lighter. but now it does just the opposite, but i still do because well, now it's gone from escape to habit.

i used to love them because they didn't love me. i'd let the sadness envelop me. and it was as close to death as i'd ever come. but i don't love that way anymore. if i do at all. the beauty in love finally revealed itself and now all i do is think about how i wish it would again allow. or if not, that it could be erased from my memory somehow.

what you don't know would've changed everything. if only i'd been honest from the beginning you wouldn't have to feel like you hurt me and i wouldn't have to feel like i lost the only worthwhile thing.

she doesn't hate you. she doesn't have an opinion at all. i asked her and i know she wouldn't lie to me. but probably there's no one who's ever hated you outside the scope of your own insecurities. because i can see nothing at all to hate. and so many things to love. i see nothing that isn't beautiful. believe me or don't. but i'd never lie to you.