Dark Poetry Prose Poetry April 8, 2004 Dark Poetic Prose

04-08-04 thursday 8:35am

it was just a long night when there were graves to dig, but the shovel was too heavy to lift. i took my pause, but it was a lie. there was more to write, but i just didn't care.

sometimes helping feels just like it should. then sometimes it's different. threatens that this is all.

sometimes they really are just words. they can come and go as they please.

sometimes the sadness is obvious. it happens. not that big of a threat. then sometimes it's not. hidden behind all kinds of smiles. that's when it's actually fiercest.

but i guess it shouldn't matter either way. that's my problem. no one else's. i shouldn't expect any words or how they're read to make a difference. i really didn't. i just expected that by now it might hurt a little less.

trouble is normal people can't understand. they might think they've been there, but i know they never have.

04-08-04 thursday 10:05pm

was just fallen under the spell of memory. black and white saviors. was just burning crosses in my own yard. putting too much stuffing into already soft pillows. it only made them hard.

was just tired of writing. tired of living. answered so many times that i almost forgot i could let it ring. was letting myself need too much something that was not commitment, but rather amnesty. it just all came back. like it never left. only it did leave. it did end. that's what i must remember.

i hate myself and i want to die. i really do. but funny thing is, when you hate yourself it tends to make you hate the people who love you.

spent all these years supposing about the reasons other lives have. and why they've never been mine. you see me smile. you hear me laugh. it's not better then. that's when it's the worst. that's when it hurts so much that i just pretend it isn't so. convince myself i don''t care.

04-08-04 thursday 10:27pm

maybe i've just been trying to be too close to things that deserve their space. trying to life a live that doesn't belong to me. clinging to a happiness that wasn't meant to last.

doesn't matter if i knew it couldn't. i still want it back.

maybe i'm learning that alone isn't just a place. it's my only home. i had wanted so much to escape it, but those ladders failed me. for the moment i might resent that. it'll pass, but in the meanwhile it's difficult to look at.

i don't question your intentions. only my own. given the fact the i own nothing you could ever need. now i'm the culprit all alone.

i've no dispute with all that's happened. only how ungraciously i've reacted.

nothing's wrong except that we never should have met. i should've been dead long before this. my whole life just a symptom of my cowardice.