Dark Poetry Prose Poetry April 10, 2004 Dark Poetic Prose

saturday 04-10-04 9:09pm

everything gets gets old. no need for birthdays to make it so. everything fades. no need for mixers to aid in the process. it will happen either way.

and all this while i thought that i was fine and you were too. fine with it. how it had been. where it was heading. little did i know those stitches were unravelling. i was always willing to take off my clothes for you. expose. and i thought that you liked what you saw. i just never expected you'd tear them off and throw such cliched blankets over me.

savatage said once that time is a treason. and i had to agree. every second that it gives, it's stealing. and what you still have yet to understand about me is that my power lies not in my actions, but the thoughts behind them.

you haven't really known me that long. still shy of one year. true, you know me well, who i am at this moment. but you still don't know who i've been.

04-10-04 saturday 9:23pm

cartoon lives. saturday nights. instrumental music. piano souls. chorus lives. reapeating. neither victory nor failure. just repetition. not tears or laughter. even lips. straight as the highway. travelling backwards towards a future full of uneasiness. blackhole tomorrows in a distant space expanse. wornhole vices transport you rapidly to the next quadrant. will it contain life or still be working on it.

your well meaning intentions are not unnoticed. but now i just feel self-conscious. under probe. now i just feel like hey, here's another person who wasn't satisifed with you. and all that you said, i did agree with. and it probably does work for a lot of people. but i'm not one of them. i'm not bored. never really am. and i don't even really hate myself. or life for that matter. i just find no reason to persue it. nothing in it that i wish to claim.

i guess i'm not really sad, so much as i am conflicted. torn between what i want to have and what i actually can. pinned between my beliefs and my knowledge.

one part of me wants babies. children. all the selfish reasons a life can create to live. but other parts of me feel it's wrong. just poor excuses for staying alive when all i've ever really wanted is to die.

last night i was so close. after everything you threw at me i felt so conspicously pathetic. that one patch of dirt that ruins a perfect lawn cause it can't grow. last night i didn't even have much too drink, but i was so close. i really wanted to do it. was just afraid to fail again. maybe that's the only thing that's kept me alive since the last time. fear of failing. all the consequences. all the looks of grief and misunderstanding. i'm pretty certain that's the only thing keeping me alive at this point. the fear of not succeeding in my suicide.

when there's no one around to find me. no one to call the ambulance. i'll probably do it then.

cuz what you don't know is that i've done all those things. been sober all the time. been out every night. i've done that. it didn't matter. didn't change a thing. and i wonder how it is that i'm the one who's wrong. when i can offer a million reasons not live, but all you people who want to don't have one good reason to give.

if life is daylight and death is night, i honestly like neither of them. but life i've met and we don't get along, so i'd like to try my chances with the other option. i could've done it so many times if there was no one to find me. i could've done it so many times if i really was a clinical depressive. unfortunately i don't have the benefit of being imblanaced. instead, i reason and weigh in my feeble little methods. i can't fail again. can't be found. the next time has to be it.

they all want so badly to live, but i'm still waiting on their reasons. they all think i'm wrong because i don't, but i'm still waiting on a good arguement.

i suppose were you to know this, you'd have to let it go. so i'll keep it to myself for now. cuz i can't go yet and it's nice to have you there. you'll never understand how i think and i'll never understand how you do. we're just two galaxies side by side waiting on a unity we'll never have. we might share some of this space, but we hold very different planets. so close, but so separate. just like i've always been. i no longer wish to change that. those roads are long since mapped. i know everywhere except.. you'll never understand and neither will i. it's just life. it's just death.