Dark Poetry Prose Poetry April 12, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

4-12-03 9pm saturday brick NJ

only in my heart. only in my mind. anywhere we'd never find each other. we'd never have known at all. only in need. only lacking all other reasons. it's not love. it's desperation. it's not friendship. it's the arbitration of it.

only me. not us. not an us there never really was. only you. not we. it doesn't matter when we met. it doesn't matter the gap in time. the only thing that keeps us apart is you. is me. is who i am. and who you can't be.

hold my hand. never. but hold my heart still. hold me when i'm lonley. hardly. but hold my love as if it belongs to you.

alone is not so bad if there's no one to detract from. alone is not so lonely. it's only alone without you that is. alone is where i've always lived. alone does not hold me. rather it is the only one who loves me. alone is not my enemy. furthermore it is my only friend. alone was never lonely. it never was at all until i met you. it was always where i wanted to be right up until i wanted you.

it doesn't matter that you're not here. it doesn't matter when last you were. nothing really matters much. except that you don't want to be. nothing really matter but the fact that you choose. you choose not to be with me. you opt not to love. no, not to love. but rather, not to love me.

i can embrace most any pain and find a way to use it to my advantage. scribe what words i can from and let drown in its own misery. i can embrace most any sadness and love it just for that. but this is so much harsher. this is so much harder than all that came before. this is so different. just like you. just like me. just like us. this is just a means to pain. this isn't just a method for sadness. this is alone once and for all. this it. this is last call.

4-12-03 saturday 11pm brick NJ

the songs could play all night. the music could go on forever and it still would never be enough. it still could not remember all that i do. holding the moon as if it's real. fishing for stars like wishes. pretending that the verses mean what they're saying. pretending that the rainbows have an end.

the songs could play all night. this silence could go on forever. and who would know the difference other than me. who would even care besides. tempting shadows. teasing the sadness as if it is separate. knowing it's always been. always been a part of me. long before you came along to make this apparent. but why did you have to? why'd you have to make it so fucking obvious.

how do you cry? do you ever? how do you love? if you could would it be forever? how do you deny? and why? it's like how do you die when there's so much life you've yet to know. it's like how do you close the door when you barely ever opened it? it's like why do i remain when you've never given me a single reason to stay? it's like yesterday donning tomorrow's cloak. when you want to be fooled it's not that hard to. when you're looking to believe in lies, they can seem so truthful. when you've lived your whole life alone and not suddenly let's you, you just don't know how to go back to. when you've lived you're whole life alone and something comes to show you, alone isn't all that life can do, alone is never the same again. alone is no longer a friend. now you're left here wanting things you can't ever have. now alone is yesterday and tomorrow doesn't have a place for you. what can you do? where can you go? it's like why do you not cry when you want to? it's like how do you breathe when life has lost all its appeal? it's like why not when you don't have an excuse. it's like how you make it so hard to refuse and even harder yet not to.it's like how you are the reason i have nowhere to return to. it's how you made my aloneness someplace i don't want to be. it's like how you took the only home i've ever known and made me realize there was better. that i just couldn't have it. that it would never have me.