Dark Poetry Prose Poetry April 16, 2004 Dark Poetic Prose

7:59am 4-16-04 friday

bulemic hearts. binge and purge. not broken. just sick. sometimes overfed. sometimes starved.

i had always meant to be alone. to be content with it. until someone came along and changed how i perceived it. and they'd linger like a song fading out. gentle waves of receding nuzzling my ears. a steady flow of silence into my veins. but even after the sound is gone the vibrations still are whispering. a haunting dance of molecules still moving to music that has stopped.

4-16-04 friday 9:30pm

how true is the night. a perfect reflection of everything inside. caught in the cage of your flesh. your heart the lock. and someone else with they keys.

is this today or just a refelction of yester? i only know the difference when my mood changes. rainbow of emotions that have no pot of gold at their end. only colors screaming in the darkness. and sensitivities arcing steep.

no one else can make me happy. but sometimes they do. some people. sometimes. no one can make me happy except me, but somehow it happens. i am a planet always seeking a sun to orbit. when i finally find one i am quite content just to circle. just to be a satellite soaking up all that light they emit.

i can't write like i'm sad when i'm not. all the pretty metaphors only worship the ugly sides i have. but i miss it when i can't. cuz it's no fun not being sad all alone. it's no fun at all feeling like this and not being able to share it. what's the use. what's the point in not being miserable if it all goes wasted. i don't understand. don't understand life. what good is it?

what is it about a piano that makes its notes so much more powerful? what is it about someone else's heartbeat that makes me have to listen? it's the root of life. the core of the song. they're not just the sounds. they're the reasons behind them.

a touch is just a touch. nerve ends substantiating their presense. the most primitive of drugs. long before there was heroin and crack, there was love. much more powerful. much more addictive. far more dangerous.

what would you have me want could the choice be yours? what life would you select for me if such designs could be drawn? someone else? something all together different? some split level home on a cul de sac in suburbia where i'd raise my children to be models of myself and my loving husband. or just what i really want, but am still afraid to have.

what do i really want. nothing really. i have wanted, but only in the sense that i knew they could never be. those were just suicidal daydreams. like songs that would ask and then asnwer their own questions. you say it because you're still hoping something will contradict, but in truth, you know exactly what it is and even more what it isn't.

4-16-04 friday 10:45pm

i heard it, but didn't really want to. sirens behind forcing you to pull over. let other things take precedence. even though. even though i was so looking forward to getting there.

i listened. really did. took each thought and broke it into a million tiny pieces and made a mosaic memory from them. shards of love refitted to this new stage. and poured friendship in like grout to soften all the sharp edges. to fill all those gaps so that we wouldn't stumble again.

shame is i liked tripping over you. shame is i didn't mind at all when we'd fall into. i know what you have and i want you to keep it. but that doesn't mean i wouldn't like something too.

those happy moods. you'd never guess where they come from. why they do. or wouldn't you? those ecstatic rifts in my depression, they're something new. a new angle in the metrics. i like them. hope they'll keep happening. that you'll let them.

it's nights like these that the darkness outgrows itself. slips into me. nights like these. that happen most every night. you could make me happy a thousand times and still they'd return. so i guess it's true. none of it's real if you can't be happy with you.

only i could. i really could if i had a reason to. don't fill me full of cliches. because no one is happy all on their own. don't tell me i should be happy all alone when you know it just isn't so.