Dark Poetry Prose Poetry April 21, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

4-21-03 monday 9pm brick NJ

it's strange sitting here knowing i'm me and not wanting to be. seeing the world. the people. so different. so separate from anything i'll ever know. any happiness i could only imagine. it's there's to keep. and i can't help but wish a little piece of that could be mine. i can't understand why some have and others can't. i don't understand life or it's reasons. or the way that it takes us apart and uses the remains to make other lives better. i guess it isn't supposed to be fair. but aren't there limits still. i know it isn't supposed to be easy, but aren't there boundaries. how much can one heart bleed before it's empty. how long can one love suffer before it isn't anything anymore. and why. you tell me why something so strong. something so precious should go to waste. why life would let it happen that anyone would love someone who doesn't. tell me why synchronicity escape some lives while others are surrounded by it. why some people have so many reasons and others can't find a one. every corner seems to lead back to that dark closet where memory parades her regrets like floats on thanksgiving day.

it saddnes me sitting here knowing i always have. i always will. that all the lives that have touched mine. and all those i thought i had. amount to very little when the darkness intrudes with that familiar loneliness. and that oh so certain prospect that it will always be so.

i want to cry to you sometimes. have someone understand how it feels. to live your whole life knowing the end is the best that you can look forward to. i want to beg mercy from anyone. that someone might understand that to never have been loved is far worse than to have lost one. it's not enough just to feel it for someone. it's empty and stark without a memory of theirs to comfort. no smiles to look back on. no devotion even gone to recollect fondly when the night ensues. nothing. not a minute. not a second. not any one who could find in this life a single solitary reason to love it. i want someone to know what it's like. someone to understand. to feel my sadness and maybe care for a moment while i wait to die. maybe attend my funeral when at last i can. maybe look back afterward and wish that they had. or at the very least just know that i did not exaggerate. if only they could understand how it feels. to always give. to never receive. to want, but never have. to love but never to be loved. no one knows. they only know broken loves. and as bad as that can be. i'd take a broken love over none. as hard as the end must be, at least they had the chance. and least they know someone once did love. at least they know it can happen. at least they've experienced that feeling.

i want to whine to you. to beg that you might understand how this feels. not just alone now. not just alone because of you. but alone always and until the end. i want to die. i always have. but i'm scared. i want to be loved, but i can't. i want to accept these circumstances. but then again, i'd rather jst leave them to memory. become a ghost and forget the whole thing.