Dark Poetry Prose Poetry April 25, 2004 Dark Poetic Prose

4-25-04 sunday 8:46pm

i just wonder how much longer. like my life is stuck on a commercial break. and i'm still waiting all this time to see the end of the crappy movie i was watching.

my head is full of advertisments for all the different things that claim they can make me happy. love. plasma screens. cars. babies.

i watch frustrated as the salespeople implanted in my psyche hock their merchandise in endless monologues. still wondering how much longer. when will they stop. so that the movie might finally resume. so that the climax might happen and the plot at last find its end. to see the sceen fade to black and no more commercials ever again.

04-25-04 sunday 9:08pm

empty hearts tend to ask so much. regrettably they try to conceal, but can't disguise the weakness. i'm no one's friend. not even my own. i'm no one's love. since i've come to the conclusion that i don't really believe in such things.

all i am is human. poorly constructed. bitter and selfish. that's all i am.

empty lives on the other hand ask nothing. sit quiet and stare vacant as the music notes translate in their head. i'm not talented. i'm not profound. all i am is lonely. mistrustful and angry. at a life that never favored me. at a self that only made it less appealing.

all i am is a fan of the people who live their lives and do it enthusiastically. sometimes i'll condemn their methods, but that's probably just envy. wrong or right i admire them. in my mind, they're much better than athletes or celebrities. they live because they enjoy it. not for fame or greed. and besides, i resent athletes and celebrities. how they get so much money and adoration for doing virtually nothing.

so empty hearts want too much. and empty lives much too little. and here i sit caught in the between of them. dying to ask, but hating that fact. here am i still caught in that commercial break. my head drowning in all the many ways society has convinced me there are to be happy. houses. marriage. suv's and babies.

i keep looking for a different reason. but i can't think of one. but as human as i am, i still don't think they're the answer. as human as i am, i refuse to be ruled by them. i still just want the commercials to stop. still just want the movie to finally end.

9:55pm 4-25-04 sunday

honestly, i've lost faith in you. you're not the intersting man you used to be. you're no longer the affectionate human being that once attracted me. you're just dust collecting ontop of coffins that should've been buried. flowers on a grave. beautiful, but too late.

and what hurts me most isn't how you let me go. not at all. what hurts most is how i give you these snippets of my soul and you treat them like free samples received in the mail. use and discard them so unabashedly. as if there's nothing behind them. like they're just trying to get you to buy something.

honestly, i haven't just lost faith in you, but that loss rings loudest. you're just not the feeling person you used to be. if you've a heart in there, i've yet to hear it beat. if you've thoughts and feelings they're much too deeply buried.

and what's worse is that i sit here grieving for you. that you could still find happiness, but you refuse. no, not with me. but someone i suppose. that you're not old. and you've still much life to live, but you don't. you just throw it away like so much garbage.

honesty, it's scary to lose that faith. i used to believe you listened. that you understood. and now i know that you never did. and it makes me question if anyone ever has. or if they even can. because if i was fooled once, i could be fooled again.

4-25-04 sunday 10:13pm

my mother has a cat. who looks at her with sad eyes every time she's eating something. and she gives him some of it. cause she's that sort of person. who gives in easily. and he's that sort of cat who's very demanding.

doesn't matter what it is. crackers. cake. cookies. ice cream. he looks at her all hungry, then meows and she gives in.

and i thought to myself. and even said aloud. i wish everyone were like you. that i could just look at them sad and they'd give me just what i wanted. but i'm not a cat. not that cute. not that cuddly. i'm just a girl who writes sad stuff at night and during the day makes web pages. and while people love furry cats and dogs. and find them quite appealing. they don't love furry people. infact, they prefer them quite the opposite.

and then i think, well, that isn't fair. why is it cute for the animal, but not for me.

and i have this one "friend". i'll call him that for lack of a better word. he says he loves me when he's horny and then expects me to be that stupid. not that i wasn't once when i was in love with him, but he oughta know by now that time has passed. and i don't mind that. cuz i always knew he didn't. and that he's mostly selfish. i just kinda get annoyed sometimes by how he roundabout insults my intelligence. especially since i'm much smarter than him.

then i have this other "friend". a guy i really liked. so very honest. and terribly ambitious. i lent him a bunch of money for his business. not sure why i did. he gave it all back and then some. he did just what he promised. so how is that i still feel cheated.

there's just one more "friend" to relate at this time. though i probabbly shouldn't since our friendship is sposed to be secret. cause he's a married guy. and after some pretentious resistance we gave in and had sex. on numerous occasions. see now, i don't see anything at all wrong with this. since i don't believe in marriage. it being all religious and such. and moreso, i don't see people as possessions. a marriage license doesn't mean you own someone. and the lack thereof, doesn't diminish.

but i'm not stupid. i know where such relationships lead. to pain. and sadness. and aloneness. but then again, they always do no matter. what. does it matter who or where they came from. so you can see why i didn't really care if. since i was going to be alone anyway. since i always had been. i just took what happiness i had been alloted. tried not to think about how limited it was. and in truth, it was so much more. so much better than all the test.

funny how the married guy had the most time to spend with me. how he made that effort. wanted to. i sit and think about what it could mean. good and bad. i guess maybe that's what a marriage breeds when. and i was just an outlet. i try to be objective. try to deal with the knowledge that even if, it's the same again. i know this. but still the fact remains. he's the only one who made a real impact. and he had to make that much more effort. had that much more to risk. and i know regardless i'm still by myself in the end. but he was there for a while. he so much wanted it. it felt good. so good to be wanted. it's silly, but it was the first it actually felt real.

and yea, of course he went back. to what matters. to what he always had, but didn't appreciate as much as when he came close to losing it. and yes, i guess i learned a lesson, but it's not what anyone would expect. i learned that sometimes the things you covet are only there to teach you about how much you really want what you already have. and if you don't have anything you want, you end up wanting what you can't.