Dark Poetry Prose Poetry May 2, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

05-02-03 friday 9:30pm brick NJ

i can't talk to you anymore. you don't listen. i dunno. maybe you never did. maybe it was all my imagination. but it still feels like i lost someone. maybe it wasn't real, but the empty space in my life is. the gaping hole where i used to hold you. where you once held me. it feels so real. if it isn't. go on and tell me. go ahead and tell me it was never real.

it's not as if it was something i wanted. it's not as if i meant for it to happen. but even still. doesn't matter now. now that it's been. there were a few moments worth more than all the rest. i'm not an optimist. i never will be. i'm not happy. i'm never going to be. for more than a few minutes out of years. it wasn't real. i know that. i don't need you to answer me. i already have. it wasn't genuine. i don't know at all what it was. but even still for a few seconds it was real in my heart. a whole lot of alone for a little bit of something better. what other options are there?

i can't talk to you anymore. and you don't talk to me. maybe i just don't remember. maybe we never did really. for a minutes or so i really believed it was real. that was sweet. it's not much. but it's all i've got. it's all there is when you're me.

and no, i don't pity myself. no, i don't hate myself. i just don't get life. don't understand people. no, i don't hate me. i don't hate anyone. i don't pity. i just don't understand. don't understand anything. don't understand the need to be alive. and i obviosuly don't understand love. why it comes or why it doesn't. why it asks for what this life can't give it. why it gives away the little that i have to people who will only take it.

we don't talk anymore. maybe we never really did. i could be remembering wrong. i could be misinterpreting.

we don't talk anymore. we no longer seem real. i guess we never were. i just caught myself believing again in things that'll never believe in me. i just stepped in one more mudd puddle without realizing until. until the stains had already set in.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that i realize. that i get it. no more conversations. no more anticipations. just waiting now for the end to come through.

i guess all i'm trying to say is that i see now. no need to pretend. no need to give gifts you never really meant. if it was all about. it it was just sex in its purest sense. well, i'm sure you'll find it again in the next stupid young girl that happens into your world. it's not such a long shot. you'll get laid again with or without me. without me, i suppose being your preference.