Dark Poetry Prose Poetry May 3, 2004 Dark Poetic Prose

05-03-04 monday 8:45am

i'm lingering. like the smell of sex after all the orgasms have long since happened. sweat and other fluids mixing in memory's goblet. i'm lingering. like wasted semen on the sheets. a puddle of maybes. all stripped of yes.

lingering has its pleasures to impart. like lingering over a long kiss. laughing at time as it vainly objects. controlling it for once instead.

i'm lingering like long fanciful dreams of flying. that so covetted sensation of absolute freedom. waking up, you remember them. you try to remember how it felt, but only memory lingers, not sensation.

lingering. like the smell of the ocean and the sand. your skin takes the scent with you long after they're gone. lingering. like a lover's aroma. i still smell them so well even though it's been so long.

05-03-04 monday 9:37pm

on the fringes. everything is at a distance. friends are a mirror. in them you see your true reflection. that must be why sometimes it's so hard to look at them.

i sit in the darkness like a bat hanging upside down. all the world looks backward. just it's really only that i am.

silence is neither friend nor foe. it's just a bystander in your life. an onlooker to the crash. neither the cause nor the rescuer. just the soundtrack.

if i give in. that's not unusual. it happens. if i give up, how would it be different. a few businesses without webpages. they'd find a replacement soon enough.

if i decide not to call. not to answer anymore. no lives would change. if i could be that selfish, they'd soon forget i'd ever existed.

at night the same songs sound different. like they were sleeping during daylight and now they've come alive. that my sadness animates them. as if they have veins and my sorrow is their narcotic. they grow louder. more intense. and i tread in their ocean like a stranded victim of a shipwreck. i tread in the middle of that ocean and cannot see the shore at all. every horizon shows endless ocean. stranded. no hope of ever reaching land again.

05-03-04 monday 9:58pm

so how are you doing? any better than last time we spoke? are you beating those bills or they beating you?

how'd i come to fall in love with you. what could've been the purpose. just another strength test that life imposed?

did it really happen to you as well. could you have. i don't know.

i flew last night as i dreamt. clenched my fists and began to glow. something like an angel. soared through the sky free of all the limitations. flew for the second time all on my own. wish i could do it every night.

the first time i was a big hairy monster hanging in a park with a monster friend of mine. and we showed off our soaring skill to impress a couple of women. but this time i flew just for the pleasure in it. just to taste a freedom real life can never provide.

and that made me think of us. why let a heart fly for a moment only to abruptly take away that privilege. is it just more lessons on acceptance. on how to overcome. why am i always learning and never gaining much from all this knowledge. what's the use in knowing so much and having so little. i don't understand. if every life followed the pattern i would. but happiness seems to favor some and others neglect. is happiness human. does it really choose based on beauty and wealth. is happiness just as human and flawed as we are. could that really be. if so, i know there's no hope for me.

as the night begins getting ready for bed i wonder how you are tonight. what on your agenda you managed to accomplish. i wonder will you go to sleep early or will you work long into the darkness. i wonder how much of that burden i could've alleviated had i answered on friday night.

i feel more lonesome now than i usually do when left alone. that most have abandoned. and you've so many other things you have to do. it's not cold outside, but in the rain it feels so. i'm still not dead yet, but in my heart i've always been. you can scoff at my musings on dying. if i were you i would too. i don't really care whether you take it seriously or if you ignore. i only mention it sometimes because it's there in my thoughts.

maybe time never touches this skin. and all these lines came from sadness. perhaps times has no impact. only all that happens in her presense. friends. lovers. love. a cruel parade of could have beens.

i just can't stop myself from questioning how close we can be when i'm most often there when you ring, but i can never call you. i just have these visions of someday actually really needing you and getting no answer. like so many other "friends" whose phones i can ring, but call expecting nothing but answering machines.

i don't blame you. don't blame anyone. i just think. think about those things. i could live without it. since i know i already did. but that doesn't mean i want to. i could, but i don't know why i should have to.