Dark Poetry Prose Poetry May 8, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

05-08-03 thursday 9:33pm brick NJ

time never knew me until i. until i didn't want her to. angry eyes. angry heart. cheated maybe, but not likely. just a whole lot of time wasted in transitions instead of the living.

song after song. night after night. morning arrives always like a bulldozer plowing down the fortresses of the previous plight. take your arbitrary hellos and your much to well devised smiles and uses them on someone who hasn't caught on. find a new security blanket. because this one is nothing but threads.

i could spend the rest of my life swooning over the memory of when it once seemed real. or i could choose to grow bitter sucking on the sour pit it left after we'd devoured the flesh. but i think i'll choose to choose neither one. i think i'd rather just let tomorrow, the next day and all rest decide for themselves what we'll get. i think that take all this knowledge i've gain and put it away for the next time i might need it. i'll forgive, but i can't forget. grudges are a waste of energy, but there's so much more to hurt than just that. there's so much more to the breaking than just the pieces that you're left.

5-08-03 thursday 11:00pm Brick NJ

i wanted to write something different. break away from my usual. i wanted to say something. i just never got around to it. time was short. or temper were. or love just got between it. whatever the reason it stayed here inside. whatever the reason i didn't write anything different. i never said what i meant to. and it lingers still. that much harsher as times proves stronger than i. that much more disappointing as words threaten to divide further this division. not the communication i'd hoped they would be. instead of finding, they're just losing us further. words can mean so many things. a constant rotation of interpretations always revolving above the space that it leaves.

i wanted to write something different. make a few lines stand out from the rest. i had hoped to say yet what heretofore i haven't. always tucked away in the recesses of a life that's never expected. but want. that is something different.

i watch the dreams of other lives unfurling like huge flags on the television. i gaze misty eyed at the loves of other people overcoming the perils of living. hoping. dreaming. all on that little screen. satellite to heart. signal to ratio to tears. i watch and i don't know why i've never dreamed. i don't know why i've never believed. or even if that is why they don't come true. is it the lack of or just the odds. is it what i see or what i do. or is it just simply what i am.

i watch heart afluster. the lives of strangers coming togther and falling apart. eyes to the screen. heart to the song. the emptiness wells up in me. and i wonder at how. how they can be so happy. so strong. so alive in their hearts.

a gentle clasp from someone they've missed for days. and now these months seem so strange. so much a parody of anything genuine. if it ever could've been real it was way back then. too long ago from now to ressurect. too close to my heart to ever forget. but it's over. it scarcely ever began. it's the most i could've ever wanted. the last thing i could ever believe. it's the joy that every heart wants caught in the mire of lives that aren't able to be. it was too long ago. too close and too far. i've seen it too many times. what life is like to the rest of the people. this isn't what it ought to be. this suffering is not the path to revelry. it's just a memory too strong. a kiss too long. it's a just a love i felt that didn't feel me.