Dark Poetry Prose Poetry May 20, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

5-20-03 9:40 pm brick NJ tuesday

love is a cliff that taunts you to jump from it. and though i've tried several times i still haven't died. though i see your face in all my dreams, awakening does not make it easier.

i know what i am. all that i can't. life is a place to find the reasons you take. or if not to reconcile why you haven't. love is a page that taunts when no words can explain. you write the phrases in your mind, but your hand shakes so that you can't.

when i realized what i felt i wanted to go back and make it so that it would've never happened. because a second has never passed that didn't remind me of how every feeling. every desire would inevitably wither and die alone in this life.

when it first became real to me. that love was not teasing, but rather building its walls to encase me. i wished that i'd never tried to be a living person. i'd been dead for so long that it hurt to breathe again. to feel the emotion filling me passed the point of bursting.

i guess i went all kablooey on you more than once. sorry for the mess.

when i finally convinced myself that i'd prefer your friendship to nothing i thought well, i didn't win, but i didn't really lose. it was hard listening sometimes. casual conversations contain thoughts that salt healing hearts. when i looked down that cliff and told it that i wouldn't jump. that i wanted to try to maintain this friendship, well, i thought it meant as much to you. only again i was mistaken. only once more i neglected what i am. all that i can't.

love is not that feeling you get when. it's a meteor that hits your life. you're just minding your own business and the all of sudden the ground you trusted is dust. love isn't how often you call or why. so akin to the trappings of friendship. i sometimes can't tell the difference. love either makes you whole or shreds you to pieces.

i know just what i am. i know just what i can't. friend. lover. enemy. you tell me. i was none of those things til you.

make me remember. or make me forget. just choose something. just be my friend.

because the only question i could never answer was you. cuz i was always sure until. and you still play with it like it's some kind of board game. but i'm not the shoot and you're not the ladder. and as nice as it was to have the opportunity to love you, i'm tired of always losing. i'm tired of being used.

i've said it before. i've written it too much. but now it really does hurt enough so that i can mean it. choose.