Dark Poetry Prose Poetry May 25, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

5-25-03 10:24pm sunday brick NJ

if it's over. if it has always been. if it never did begin. flowers don't always open. thirst isn't always quenched.

a world i could never love. i life i never did want. just one person. just one voice amid the din. a world where i was always alien. a life that never knew how to live. just one love. just one person i couldn't forget.

and what if. what if death is no better than this. what if my only escape proves to be no refuge at all. i could find myself lost in eternity just as miserable as i've always been. i could find myself so far that there's no returning. and just as lonely. just as alien. there's no happiness here. but there might not be any less sadness elsewhere.

i don't know who i loved. i never knew you well enough. just the ideal. just the perception. i don't know if it was just a fantasy. a projection. some deep seated loneliness that found its drug in your touch. i don't know who i ever loved. or who ever could love me. i don't know if i ever really did. if it was just too many songs mixing with too many drinks. too much of something in you that i wanted to find in me.

a man. a girl. time decides. a man. a woman. and still nothing changes. a few years. a few mistakes. love songs peddle their cheap fantasies of. but if i've been nothing else in my life, i've always been real. if i've no other virtue, it's just that i've always been me. no matter how much that hurt sometimes. no matter how undesirable that may be. it's what i am. and it knows what it wants. it knows what it needs. i don't have that much experience in these adult matters of the heart. but sex is just sex. anyone can have it. it's easy. and love is far different. it's hard to make it. even harder to accept. it's hard to hold it. even harder to let it go. it's easy to want it. but so fucking hard to let them know.

my whole life i've spent dying. for a moment with you i wanted to live. my whole life i've never wanted to. but for a moment with you i did.