Dark Poetry Prose Poetry May 27, 2004 Dark Poetic Prose

05-27-04 thursday 8:56pm

you look at what i've done and tell me does it deserve. this great stage that i give to it. all those nights it's stolen. what does any of it mean now. fleshy shadow of a person haunting the life they're supposed to be living.

right now. sitting here on the middle step of the staircase that is my life. i can't decide. don't know that i even have a choice. jsut wonder at how many steps lead up to that euphoric sense of wellness and how many more lead down. so far down into such terrifying depths.

feeling like i can see myself. that there's a mirror in my mind that reflects. wanting more than anything sometimes to smash it. to never have to see myself again. but afraid of losing that insight. even if that means knowing more of myself than i would like.

i guess the angles of the heart break sharper than the mind can drive. i find myself on the shoulder sometimes. and the flow of traffic is so rapid that it seems impossible to get back into it again.

sometimes it's hard to stop myself from trying to solve this puzzle. even if the pieces don't fit, i still keep trying to find some secret that makes it happen. keep hoping there's some cryptic solution that life has kept hidden. because i've always found solutions. i've always solved problems. i can't stop now. i still need there to be an answer, even if there isn't. i'll still be looking for the connection so long after the test has ended.

maybe, i think, dirt is what i am. and i need seeds. someone to plant them. i'm just soil, i think. hoping. needing someone to plant a flower in me. i think that i could be something beautiful. could be, if i could find the right seeds.

05-27-04 thursday 10pm

maybe yesterday knew us. like scents that follow long after you've forgotten how. maybe then it still mattered. in the way that the moment obscures all the margins that are closing in on it. maybe. i guess. if we could be that lucky. i'll pretend it did. as i unwillingly submit to what is happening now.

while all colors turn to grey again. i can only wonder at how they ever touched a rainbow. as all silence becomes solitude, i try to understand how it's happened. lost in the tendrils that urges leave behind as they let go of. i could be brave and say that none of it matters, except this moment now. but in truth i know that now depends upon yesterday and tomorrow so very much. that infinite chain of have you lived. have you been loved enough. have you been loved at all. and even if you have. was it worth it.

myabe the night was designed for nothing more than this. to swim it like a narrow channel. holding your breath until you reach the other side of breathing. that it all comes down to. that time is waiting on your answer. to the question it asks every night. are you still alive. do you even remember what it's like. and if you ever were, how do you mark those ocassions. if you ever were, what now do you make of those situations.

such slender strands of weak moonlight against so much darkness. against the staunch walls of night. such empty hooks you fish with in the ocean of your life. so sparsely baited with the contents of your heart. somehow it's often taken. but you rarely yields a catch. soemhow you get many bites. but are seldom fed by.

05-27-04 thursday 10:05pm

what if every hour was just like this one now. as it has been. as it will be. pale reflections of a life that meant, but never did.

should it matter. should it matter at all if. knowing that. knowing so certainly that nothing could change it.

while there you sit in your denial. i've come to know its landscape well. it's a pretty picture with a darkly message. it's easy to love, but so difficult to know if you're doing it justice.

it's kerosene without a spark. so ready to burn. so eager to be hot. it's an intersection without a traffic signal. no one knows when to go. you can waste god knows how long trying to decide who has the right of way. or you can just move forward and hope that you're faster than the damage.

either way. even if you make it through. you'll hear the crash behind you. and quietly wish that you hadn't gone. that it wasn't them. that it should've been you. even if you make it, you'll hear the crash and think that you should've let it happen. that it should've been you, not them. wish that you could've taken their place. wonder why we don't get that choice. shout at life for not allowing you that one small bit of grace.

what if i could. if only. like magic i could take your place. i wish it now. every night. that your tragedy could be mine instead. that for once, for once in all of eternity, love could mean something more than.

but the hours beckon me still. like manic ringmasters coaxing their wreckless circus. the ache does yield to the other griefs. it's easy to forget myself when there's someone else. i guess like it or not, this is what life has given. you have your choices to make. now all that remains is to find out what you'll make of them.

it's true. i know it now. that every hour replicates the one before it. wet sand castles cower under the shdaow of waves. begging for a mercy that life is not inclinded to stage.

i guess i learned, there's worse yet. that happiness is a fickle friend. not just for myself, but all of them. i guess i just wish i could make it better. would that i could give you my lifespan instead.