Dark Poetry Prose Poetry June 2, 2004 Dark Poetic Prose

8:54pm 06--02-04 wednesday

shit happens. life collapses. in i cave. a corpse without a grave.

i never left. i just saw it standing on the edge and had to push. i saw it unravelling and tugged on the thread.

couldn't let it happen slow again. couldn't stand to be the only witness to the slow dance of your distance. try to stop my heart from breaking by offering friendship. okay. but don't break it all over again by also slowly letting that fade away.

it's just that now i really know. really know how much nothing i was. any port in a storm. any body when you're lonesome. i know i am nothing. because that's all i've ever been.

like the sun against the horizon i watched you disappearing. and had to close my eyes. knowing darkness was iiminent. i had to find some way to control it.

you were a great lover. made it so worth the risk. made me feel so wanted then. but like everything else good in life t wasn't meant to last.

you were a great friend for a while. eased my sadness with your interest. with your seeming need to have me in your life. like i actually added something good to your world that no one else could. almost as if i was still needed. even if not in the way that i had first intended.

it was nice for a while. as it often is. but people have their lives. that never really do seem to connect with mine. i won't forget how it was once. or at least i'll try not to. but i won't watch it die.

06-02-04 wednesday 9:18pm

i wish i couldn't breathe right now. that you were choking me. what i wouldn't give to die in your arms one last time. permanent.

then i could die happy and also be satisfied with how i had lived.

if i could make it easy. if i could do it right now and no one would find me.

just know that i would never undo. that's exactly why i had to. to let it fade like that would only diminish what i was so fortunate to have had.

i never love easy. it's always hard. each one harder than the last. amongst you three. you're the only one i'll really ever miss. you're the only one i actually believed when you said that you did. even if it was only for a moment. for that moment. for once i was allowed to live.

maybe we'll find a way to make amends. maybe i'll grow weak and ask forgiveness. who knows. sometimes that happens. but whatever, i just hope that you live happily ever after. whatever we were. or tried to be. all along i knew. knew just one thing for sure. you were just a good man who got sidetracked. that love isn't something we can ask. it just happens. whatever we claim to love. we are nothing until it claims us.

you'll never know how hard it was. will always be. i don't want you to. i just want you to be happy. happy as you once made me.

6-02-04 wednssday 11:12pm

i want you to be there when i die. because you're the only reason i've ever had to live. i can't say it outside of these pages, but i'm crippled like that. helpless.

i just wish that i could die in your embrace. instead of dying as i am.

cause you're the only reason i've ever had to live. the only thing that ever made it worthwhile. the only thing i wish i could've done different had i the chance.

i was dead before we met. and you changed that. i was so dead. and you gave me life again. watching it leave. watching it leave was more than i could stand.

hold me one last time. let me die in your arms. let me die glad. cause life never lived until you let it. because some lives just can't do what other lives can. i tried. i really did. but i failed. i just failed again.