Dark Poetry Prose Poetry June 3, 2004 Dark Poetic Prose

06-03-04 thursday 8:44pm

if i feel alone anyway. sitting on thin branches that can't really support my weight. i look down and wonder how much it'll hurt when the ground hits my face.

if you're down there soaking in the shade beneath all these lilting leaves. you couldn't catch me even if you wanted to. and i don't want you to catch me. i never did.

maybe, just maybe, i thought you could help me get up again. maybe give me a boost to get back to my branch. but i don't think that i should have.

you're great. but maybe i just need a different kind of friend. one less married. one without so many kids. nah, you're great even if. it's just me. i'm so fucking stupid.

you don't want to hear it. and honestly, i never wanted to say it to anyone. it was better left to these pages. cuz i can't speak. and i don't want to resolve. i just want to come up with a way to actually make it happen.

when i let myself love you, i decided then that would be the last time. that i wouldn't be fooled again. when i let myself be alive with you for a little while, i realized how dead i had been. and now i know again why i was. how much easier it is. to just submit to the darkness expanding in your head. admit that happiness is just a very rare dream. and there are so many nightmares inbetween.

6-03-04 thursday 9:24pm

push them away as the sand does the waves. rejected and yet evermore determined to come back. try again. to break free from the tether of the moon and know what it means to have choices. to actually choose.

silent goodbyes that try to mask screaming i love yous's. suddenly metaphors and rhyme no longer suffice in place of my real voice. and i don't understand. because they always used to.

i think that time lied when it said it is now. i think that it was really yesterday if it was anything. like some forgotten memory that's still making wrinkles in your skin.

i can never get enough of anything i love. beer. coffee. people. i'm always wanting more. i'm a bottomless well. i can't be filled up. and i always feel empty.

this morning. this afternoon. it was all i could think about. kept wanting to try. and then telling myself no. you'll be found. interrupted. denied happiness yet again.

i weigh the options. blades. guns. rivers. drugs. each one of them sounds beautiful.

i look for secret places. somewhere i can not be found. but i want to be home. to be in my own bathroom. or my own bed. i don't know why. but i don't think i could do it unless.

i want you to be there. for your face to be the last thing that i see. i want to kiss you goodbye as i'm dying. so you'll finally understand. really understand me.

i want to die in your arms. literally.

6-03-04 thursday 10:17pm

broken isn't always pieces. sometimes it's hairline fractures. it doesn't really need a reason. it's independent of such human limitations.

i think i'm just dying slower than i can tolerate. cut rosebuds shrivelling up inside a lovely bouquet.

maybe i'm just hating the fact that nothing changes me. those falling stars of happiness i wish upon, never do answer. they just crash.

i think i'm just remembering being young and small and no different otherwise. stilll alone. still waiting to die. back then it was ice cream and candy. now the crutches are more potent. but nothing else has changed.

i guess back then there was potential. i didn't know all that i do now. i would worship and revile tomorrow. but somehow i always knew it would not provide.

if i could make you happy i would. if that was in my power. i'd do that first and then do the same for me. if i could somehowe make this fulfill me i would. take that one way ticket and make love to the distance. just like i always knew it was coming. almost as if i really wanted it.

i've always been an open wound. and you once were the bandage. i just got you so full of my blood that. i don't blame you. that's just how it always happens.

i won't heal. so don't pain yourself with trying to. if i left a stain. i'm sorry. if i bled on you. it was an accident. i never meant for you to stop it. i just wanted to be close to you.

6-03-04 thursday 10:50pm

ask me tomorrow what i thought of today. it'll not be an easy answer. it'll be a long, dark essay.

give me nothing. for that is all that i could ever ask. i have my own means. my own method for forcing nights to relent.

jingle me as change in your pocket. i'll make a silly song as you walk. count me up. like coins that could equal dollars. but are always just shy one.

it's hard to hear. depression is deaf. it only hears itself. beethoven moods dance with symphonies they've never met. the heart hears the falling notes, but there is only silence in my head.

it's hard to hear. but to speak even harder yet. why pretend. pretend like i can be human like i have imagined.

i so much don't need another bottle to empty. to blow into and hear that echo answer back. like the emissary of hope. explaining to me how they tried, but could not reach an agreement.

you're just a bone i broke to know how much it could hurt. you weren't the cast. you were a sprained ankle i ran on. adrenaline did lie. now we sit and reflect upon.

i was so afraid of losing you that i ended up making it happen. i was so afraid you were leaving. that i ended causing you to.

6-03-04 thursday 11:18pm

maybe just accept that we're human. we're built to suffer. that time doesn't heal us. it just make us forget.

you have a choice. you can be the lightning bolt or you can be the thunder. you can be the strike. or you can be its echo.

isn't it strange how one night so much resembles. isn't it strange how life tends to progress. much as you resist. it has a different intent.

i guess i should believe you when. just for once trust in someone other than myself. maybe it'd do me some good to be that accesssible. but then again, it's doubtful.

maybe love is just a cigarette to be smoked. feels so good roaming down your empty throat. leaves its cancer behind on for you to choke. always promises death, but never gives it. it doesn't matter how close. there's a distance that never lets go.

it doesn't matter what i want. it only matters what i know.