Dark Poetry Prose Poetry June 4, 2004 Dark Poetic Prose

06-04-04 firday 8:54am

maybe it's all my fault. i alienated them. and now i'm doing it to you too.

maybe this fluctuating between euphoria and misery is a bad addiction. and i need other people to help with it. but i never meant for it to be like this.

i had every intention of always being a good friend to you. have never felt anything except love and respect. i'm just so damn self destructive. when i can't muster the courage to do it to my flesh, i'll destroy my heart instead.

maybe it's all my fault. yea, i know it is. i thought you knew me. that you got it. but i guess every one has their limits.

had i known this would be yours i would've tried harder to fight it. had i know this would be your limit, i don't know if i could've stopped myself, but i would've tried much harder than i did.

06-04-04 friday 3:27pm

not all poetry is meant to be read. sometimes the heart lies to itself and the pages falsely reflect.

not all things written or said are meant to be heard. sometimes the darkness takes control and the people you love get hurt.

3:07pm 6-4-04 friday

maybe it's best this way. though i made the suggestion. now that's it true i'm not too happy with it. i feel stupid. and that i've betrayed you.

but it might be best this way even if i don't really like it. if i'm going to be a source of grief. i'd rather be nothing.

i wish i could stop myself when i get like that. so lonely and angry and sad. so eager to destroy anything that is good in my life.

maybe even though i'd rather it wasn't, it's for the best.

you decide. you weigh the evidence. do i bring you more joy or more sadness. is it worth it.

guess i'll get me a crutch. cuz i've shot myself in the foot again.

go. i deserve it. i'm a terrible friend.

if i could take those words back. erase them. but i can't.

stay if you want to. leave if you choose. but know that i'm sorry. sorry if i hurt you. and that i don't want to lose you.

06-04-04 8:21pm friday

this raw disease. that some call life. it's killing me. one night at a time.

this outside turning in. i feel so exposed. like my insides are showing. like i have no skin.

less than human. a ghost that wishes to be like them. touchable and sentient. to be held. to hold. instead of transparent. solid again.

it's been so long and i'm still not over yet. it's been so long. it should've happened by now. what if it never happens.

what if time never really healed. what if it only pretended. covered those wounds with gauze. and now it's bleeding through.

cuz i can't remember how to stop the hurt. it just keeps coming back. if i were you, i'd be tired of me too. and i don't want to be a burden. i won't bother you now. so long as you don't hate me. i'll be leave you be.

8:51pm friday 6-4-04

what other people see, i'll never know. in words. in images. in themselves. in me.

it's not yet total darkness, but it's near. it's not the sadness that's a threat. but the growing possibility that it may not end.

staring at nothing. as i've so long been. crying in time with the music. when there's no one else there to listen.

i don't want them to be. put on a sarcastic grin and pretend. i don't want them to leave. but i know that they would if they really knew me.

don't want to be a burden. but all that's pent up lashes out sometimes. don't want to be all alone even if that means having to lie.

the night does wage this tired war in my head. just as every day does steadily cause love to lessen. i find myself wanting to murder this life. now more than i ever have. now so certain that it's the only way not to feel like this.

so full of every sad chord piano keys can find. so bloated with every way that loneliness can find to rhyme.

i lived. or at least i tried. i loved. best i could. and tried to deal when it no longer wanted. each and every time.

maybe i asked for it. maybe i'm just a junkie addicted to the pain. i wouldn't deny it if anyone accused me. but then they never tried to stop me until they were sated. they only point it out after they've already gotten what they wanted.

maybe i'm nothing more than an addict. whose gonna kill myself with this misery.

only, i remember being happy. i do. and liking it. then i remember how it always rejected me. that i was good enough for the moment, but never good enough for the next.

i still remember being happy. i really do. that's just what i remember when it hurts the most. that's all that i can remember about you.

9:45pm 6-04-04 friday

strangle the hours in long episodes of i wish. everything could be different. knowing that it could've been. had you only let.

betray your heart and purposely offer it to those who would overlook. old friends aren't more real. and newer ones not less.

i'll not trouble you again. not stain your shoes in my angry spit. you deserve so much better. how i wish i could've been.

you live such a different life that i'm inclined to suspect. to think there's nothing in mine that you could ever find worthwhile. you live what seems such a perfect dream that i'm inclined in my loneliness to think that you're only pitying me.

even if i know all is not so simple as. that the there are layers to your world i've yet to glance. i know it's easy for no one. this depression can make me selfish, but not that much.

i think that i love you because you know just what to hold close and just what to keep at a distance. that you're so sure of what happiness entails. and you never let life's ambiguities make you forget.

i think i love you because you know just how much to love me and how much you shouldn't. a dozen roses on your doorstep and you still know not to hold them. still see the thorns they conceal.

i think i should be over it, but it isn't happening. i'm trying. i really am. i think it's been much too long and i should've been over it. i feel so weak. so ambivalent. i feel just like i'm back in high school and i'm hating my best friend.

it feels like life lied when it said i was living. when it woke me up again. it feels like there's nothing i can to do make it better except.

10:23pm 6-04-04 friday

it'll never be the same again. it hasn't been the same since. you look at me. you look at me like leaves you know are falling soon. you look at me like the branch that is waiting to lose.

you sing like a song in my head. incredibly reactive. every note does invoke an extravaganza of emotion.

you seem like a sun i wish i could touch. hanging high in the sky. so bright that i'm unable to look upon. or kissing the horizon. a quiet exit. making all the world purple in your absense.

i think that never happened so long ago. long before we met. and these are just the residuals. just the reflexes of the dead.

i think that i love you, but my love is tainted. like alcohol that makes you feel good at first, then later makes you vomit. i thikn that i love you. i know i do. i just want to be able to love you enough to let you go. becuase that's the best i can offer you.

10:35pm 6-4-04 friday

have you noticed how much i write lately. how much it's taken over. do you care. i guess you shouldn't.

have you noticed how much these petals are wilting.

you're right. i could go out. walk. ride. you're absolutely right. i should do that. remind myself of all the people in the world who just pass by. never notice. watch the wives. the husbands. the children. watch the couples holding hands. you're right. i should do that. face the fact that the whole world is so alive. remind myself of all that i lack.

06-04-04 friday 10:40pm

this bottle will have to do. suffice until. so many metaphors i wish i'd never used. so many flowers that never really bloomed.

not in this life. only samples. not tonight. just sell me something i can use.

tell me that you loved me. even if it was never really true. tell me that you still do. conjure the ghosts of happiness passed and wonder at why the miracle still can't.

goodbye for another weekend. i hope it treats you well. goodbye til next next time. if that should ever occur again.

i just wanted. i only meant. it was just more than i could manage. and now it's so much less.

goodbye til the weekend's over. i never meant. damn i love how you love yourself. i'll see you maybe next week. maybe never. doesn't really matter. i'll always see you in my dreams. always love the way you almost meant to be.

tomorrow doesn't have to. cause tonight still asks. still wonders why you do.