Dark Poetry Prose Poetry June 8, 2004 Dark Poetic Prose

06-08-04 tuesday 9:14am

looking to the blank screen to tell me something i don't already know. haven't read or written. anything new. just something different.

sitting beside the notion of inspiration as it stares mockingly at my hesitation.

i think the switch is broken. the light won't turn on.

i think the bulb is burnt out. it just stays dark.

i guess i should fix it, but i don't know how.

06-08-04 9:35am tuesday

open like this. these naked phrases. like i wish my wrists were. let it bleed out that way instead.

open and so sick of it. everyone seeing, but no one knowing. how cold. how lonely it is.

momentary freedom. to be myself. to forget them.

exposed. tender veins showing. no bones to protect. thin blood flowing. unaware of the waterfalls ahead.

open like this. everyone looking, but no one seeing. how much. how long i've been bleeding.

8:31pm 6-08-04 tuesday

i wonder why you're gone. and marvel at how your echo still remains. i wonder why i'm so much alone again. if i'll ever get used to it. or if i'll always miss those vanished friends.

they say take time. you'll feel better then. but all i've ever had is time to take. and nothing's ever changed.

they say just do something different. forget yourself for a while. as if when i go somewhere else my feelings don't go with.

i feel like i'm in a coma. trying to scream, but my lips won't move. it's so loud inside my head, but outside no one hears me.

i feel like i'm in a coma, but am expected to live. that no one sees the damage cuz it's all hidden under my skin.

i wonder why you're gone. why you left. did i push you away. or did you get to know me so well that you realized you didn't want to stay.

i wonder why all my friends slip away. do i make it happen. or do they.

you echo still, but it's hardly enough. i wonder what's so wrong with me that the better they know me, the less they show up.

i guess they know me too well at some point. know me well enough to know they'd rather not.

6-08-04 9:35pm tuesday

i said that i understand. not because i really do. but because i know that it happens. just don't know why it always happens to me.

don't know why you suddenly decided to start leaving. must be something about me that causes it. just when it begins to feel genuine. just when it seems alone isn't inevitable. they start to dissipate. start to dry up like so much fallen rain.

6-08-04 tuesday 9:44pm

ashes spread against the weight of a sigh. didn't mean to, but i breathed and away they went. relationships evolve backward. into so much less. like how flowers open up and then shrivel closed again. what once was so bright and beautiful. now is dead. not the first time. just this time i didn't expect. as if preparation would've somehow made it easier to attend the wake. when it never did before. but i still just want to lay my head in your lap and cry. have you touch my hair. be near again. have someone to lean against. someone i can actually feel.

just can't say such things. can't ask. take the chance that i'll make you feel guilty. that you'll do it out of pity.

there's no right way to say what i'm thinking. or i can't find it. how to say to you that i wish you were here, when i don't know that you want to be. how to say how much i miss you, when i don't know if you miss me. how can i say i want you here more than you've been, not certain if it's something you want to hear or if it's something you'd rather just forget.

what's the right way to pose such questions when you're so uncertain of the answers they have. don't want your sympathy. only want it if it's real.

is there a right way to tell soneone you miss them even if you're not sure that they want to hear that. is there a good way to say it hurts more than it should because you've been gone too much, even though you don't know that it isn't what they've chosen. you could be sick of me like the rest of them. you could just have so many better things to do. and i don't want to ask. don't want to provoke you. if you're cotent with this, i don't want to try and change it.