Dark Poetry Prose Poetry June 9, 2004 Dark Poetic Prose

06-09-04 wednesday 10:49am

there's no one to call. no one to answer when. make love to the pain. it's your only friend.

in daylight darkness seems lifetimes away. and in darkness light so the same.

i don't write to receive responses. i write because there are things i want to say that i can't. not for reactions, but simply because i feel them. and sometimes i need you to know that.

06-09-04 7pm wednesday

did you ever get the feeling that you're not really there. your're still sleeping - dreaming. only you don't know it. like nothing you say or do or feel is under your control. that's how i feel. have been feeling. and i keep trying to wake up. regain control. but it's like there's some invisibile boulder on my chest. and i can barely breathe, let alone move.

i guess this must be what is called dying inside.

7:54pm 6-09-04 wednesday

you know how singing sounds better in the shower. well for me thoughts do. i stood there trying to wash away this feeling of hopelessness and found myself thinking, what was i thinking then. what did i expect to happen. to get from it.

then i answered myself. have a good time. which i did. not the sex. although that was an added bonus. that feeling of being with someone and actually believing that at that moment there is no one else they'd rather be with.

i also thought i could handle it. which it appears i was wrong about. i didn't think i would get so attached. i guess i should've known. maybe on some level even did.

i thought, i don't care. fuck tomorrow. today's all we have. i thought, i've hurt before. i can do it again if it means having something great for a little while.

i thought you don't ever let opportunities like this pass you by no matter the threat. because if you let them, that regret will be much worse to live with than any pain that could come from taking the risk. and i still believe this.

06-09-04 wednesday 9:02pm

there's nothing for me out there. same way i feel in here. invisible. lonely. useless. there's just a lot of other lives i can watchi being lived. lotsa faces i don't recognize. lotsa strangers. no friends.

there's nothing out there for me. been there many times. beaches, bars, and the rest. all the places where humans collect. i used to like watching them. but at some point i got tired of watching the same things happen. got sick of being the camera and never being a part of the movie. got sick of the whole world looking right through me as if i didn't even exist.

6-09-04 wednesday 9:31pm

always less of never enough. alone.

it does transpire. like densely plotted movies. deep and expansive. with their poignant monologues.

still breathing. this body begging to live. so disconnected from the person that it houses.

always less of never enough. as if there could be such a thing. more than ever imagined. complete.

hearts do guess at every question. every test lives require. there's no knowledge. only fear and want. there's no not alone. only ways to hide.

06-09-04 wednesday 10:24pm

i could've written so many different things. but what i chose, so i am left with. there never are the right words. not when most i need them. but i think you must know why i've been acting crazy. i think that if you really know me, you know that either way. it hurts just as much whether i stay or if i go. what i don't know is how long this mood will last. and which of my choices is better for you.

what i've never known. and still long so much to, is how it feels to be the other person in the equation. to really understand what they feel. if only i could, then i'd always know just what to do. then there'd be no doubt. no wondering if. no excuse.

i could've written it so differently. on so many ocassions. could've. maybe should've just kept quiet. but the emotions tend to come to a boil at night. on nights like this. they boil over. crackle in the flames that made them. put out the fires that made it happen.

it could've been less one sided. but that's the nature of pain. it consumes itself like an avalanche. annihilates everything in its path.

you don't know how long i've been trying to come up with a way to close this cut. to stop spilling my blood on you. ever since you stopped being the bandage i've been looking for something inside that could take its place. ever since you encouraged me to embrace the fact that i could love you, i've been trying to raise that bridge.

i just don't understand why you had to make it matter when you knew it never really ought to. i tried to tell you how hard it would be to come back from if i let it happen. but you just had to have that feeliing even still. knowing it was so close. you just had to finish the hunt. had to get the kill.

i know i'm not innocent. anything but. i did the best i could. though admittedly it wasn't much. i would've handled it better if i could. i really did try to. given the choice, i never would've fallen in love with you. and never would've had to be here now like this. given the choice, i would've only been your friend from the beginning. only what's worse, is i think that choice was given. and i just didn't listen.

11:08pm wednesday 6-09-04

maybe you know what i'm going thru. maybe you don't.

but obviously i'm not handling it too well. never claimed that i could.

don't want to harrass you or be a source of grief.

know exactly what i really want. someday, it will be.