Dark Poetry Prose Poetry June 14, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

6-14-03 saturday 9:18pm brick NJ

in the moments when you seem to answer questions i haven't aksed yet. but how could you ever tell me what i want to hear when i still don't know. how can you ever give what i want. when i still don't know. it could just be nothing. it might be. i might surprise you.

some kind of happienss is there to be found in every life that touches us. every heart that makes ours beat has something to offer, but that's doesn't mean it's what we really want.

did you ever think that some of us, all we've ever wanted is not to. the world is full of people who believe in heaven but are afraid to enter it. and then there are those of us who know better and still don't fear death. why do you suppose that is?

unplug it or keep the connection living. silence builds its own empire. those who live because they're afraid to die. and those who die because they don't know how to be alive.

i knew long before it happened that it would. like the waves returning to kiss the sand it was something that had to happen. i knew long before i ever had the courage to admit, that alone had never left my side. that as much as i pulled i could never break the membrane of who i am. and that you could never see passed it.

what i am. what i've been. not so beautiful in the standard sense. who i am. what i can. they tend to forget when life offers something more asthetically pleasing. my kind heart. my good mind. they don't build me any bridges. they don't make the loneliness less. your calls. your touches. they dance in my mind long after the music has stopped. your scent. your voice. they cling to the fabric of my heart. interwoven into the stitches like some sad insignia. monogram my soul with the promise that you never. with the love you still have for someone else. friends would remember. and friends might just forget. when the moment finds you there inside yourself smothering every breath. friends would remember when the distance compounded greater than. friends would forget when pain too sober would not relent.

holding you as i did, the holding was so vacant. holding me as you tried. the holding was pregnant with other places you would've rather been. i never expected. that's what you never could understand. i never wanted. that's what you couldn't reconcile in your man's ego mind. love was something that came and went as quickly as a summer thunderstorm. powerful and loud. filled with rage and wetness. love came and left before i ever had the chance to touch it. that's how it is when. that's how it happens.

i'm just writing. don't always know just what i'm saying. i'm just stumbling through the nights that fall under my footsteps. it's funny how you never left, but you never really entered. i held you there in my heart like some carbon copy of what i wanted to have happened, but never did. i clutched all the memories i'd never really had. crazy as it seems, on some level it made sense. better than nothing. less than nothing, but not too much. sometimes we make oursevlves the victims just because the crime is better than the consequence.

6-14-03 10:20 pm brick NJ

i wonder why sometimes you say you'll talk to me soon. as if i've aksed you too. but i don't recall. i wonder if you're just so certain that i want you. or if it's just some man thing you do.

i don't mean to but i sometimes analyze responses. questions. statements. even the ones we didn't mean, we really do mean them. even if we can't explain, they all have their reasons.

i wonder why you talk at all. these days. as slight as they've become. as generously as they've offered us forgetting. what could you be remembering.

and that old shadow sex springs to mind like the first flower of spring piercing through the warming earth. i wonder how with your pretty car and your fancy home you don't find someone better to use. the world is full of beautiful women who don't know that they are. this world is full of beautfiul women who need someone to reassure them. you could have any number of them if you wanted.

is it just too easy to linger on the lover that loves more than she should. is it just too pleasurable to let go of the feeling when i die in your arms again.

that's fine. that's something to remember when. but you should know that i can't again. that what isn't over in my heart is over in my head. you should know that i can no longer provide that high. whatever i wanted. whatever i imagined might. it's as gone as the connection between us. strong once, but now fading like a sunset. you wait for the sun to rise again, but it rains instead.

somewhere in the darkest, most quiet places of my heart i wished that. but that was only a moment and that moment did pass. like all others before it. it lived and it died. like all those that came before it, its want surpassed its purpose. now it hugs the grave. now it lays still. don't wake it. it's finallly found solace.