Dark Poetry Prose Poetry June 14, 2004 Dark Poetic Prose

8:49pm 6-14-04 monday

in darkness i sit as thoughts dance with her shadows. the wind plays the music. sadness is the stage. looking back i wonder what i did or didn't do that it's come to this. is this fate or just habit.

i guess time isn't as powerful as we've been told. cause it doesn't move me. only changes the conditions that surround. dark and light fluctuate like roaring campfires. the days change, but everything else stays the same. no matter what i do. no matter where or with whom. i always end up back here again. in the darkness. alone.

6-14-04 monday 9:42pm

is it this empty now? of course it is. can't you hear the echo as your breath releases. nothing short of hopeless. fires left out in the rain. what else did you expect?

it's now flirting with the memory of then. impregnating the future with their hollow brand of sadness.

it's not no friends. it's thinking that you did and finding out you nevr really had them. it's not how little i meant to them. it's being told otherwise and then watching as their actions contradicted.

it's poetry. or isn't it? maybe just the language of sadness. not talent, just a predictament.

tired isn't how you feel now, it's who you are. that i've gone so far just to end up back where i started. it's being so sad, that even the words don't understand. no rhymes can grasp. no verses can know. it's a place without language. a darkness that surrounds your life no matter where you go.

9:58pm 6-14-04 monday

i would write to someone if i thought it would make any kind of difference. but i don't see how it can. so i write to myself instead. just like everything i've ever done. i do it alone.

in my rhymes i create the togetherness. the connections that in life i've never known.

with pretty words i unmask a beauty that life rarely shows.

but it's not enough. and i don't see why i should try to make it so. it's not nearly enough. just doctored photographs pretending they are real.

it's not nothing. it's less. swallowed dreams that make me sick. life coming up like bile in my throat. i can't keep it down. not when it's this rotten.

i can't cry for it. not when i've never loved it. i can't pretend i've ever wanted to live. or will. or could.

every day is like vomit they want me to consume. every morning i drink it down. and every night it makes me puke.

6-14-04 monday 10:30pm

maybe that's my problem. i'm too honest with myself. don't have all these false expectations. don't think i'm the next action star or an american idol in waiting. i don't think i'm anything really. not enough ego, too much reality.

don't have big muscles. never really wanted them. don't have big tits. wouldn't know what to do with them. can't sing. can't dance. never even tried to act.

i draw. i write. make images from words and lines. but they're just like me. no one gets them. or wants to. they're just like me. thye stand alone. wondering why. why there's no one else who.

so many thinking they're better than they are. and here i sit knowing i am less. is it nice to be them? all egotistical and self-inflated. but they have one thing that matters which i don't. belief. and maybe it doesn't matter if they're right. that it's just something every person should own.

i don't want to recover. or mend. i just want to come up with a perfect plan to make it all end.

11:45pm monday 6-14-04

it's over. more than it's ever been. dead flower petals laughing on the wind.

it's life begging for that chance you want to, but can't give.

waning sun on the horizon ushering darkness in.

death comes not with desire, but neccessity. when there's nothing else to fill the void. there it is.

i was almost loved, but not quite. i was almost loved, but almost only coutns in horse shoes and hand grenades. almost doesn't calm hearts when.

was almost loved. so close, but. it shouldn't matter but it does.

alone always happened without my even trying. and nothing esle did. like breaths that you wonder why they still insist. when you don't want them. still they come. still they beg for so many reasons you don't have to give.