Dark Poetry Prose Poetry June 18, 2004 Dark Poetic Prose

06-18-04 friday 9:53pm

they hover about me like too many suns. they color my skin, but i have no effect. i can never be close to them. all that i feel of. it's always kept at such a distance. it's warm and i like it, but it lacks the substance of sight and touch. they call every now and then to tell me that i'm not alone, while all the rest of the time that's what i've been.

it's an awful feeling. when friends are such a part of your life, but from theirs' you've always been excluded.

06-18-04 friday 10:37pm

everyone knows what i should be doing. everyone except for me. everyone knows just how much i ought to be loved. everyone knows, but no one's volunteering.

which is softer. the lone heartbeat or the sigh it breathes. it seems to lay there in my chest like a worn out puppy. belly up. begging to be taken advantage of.

i just sit here wondering how i ever thought love meant more than sex. and that i didn't even consider how eventually that becomes tiresome. i don't think myself innocent, but too innocent i think still for this world. i don't claim to not have known. i just always get so lost in wanting to believe in them.

i can scheme all i want on ways to die, but i'm too afraid of failing again. even at its lowest, i know this life now is better than what it would be if i tried, but didn't succeed.

everyone wants to live. everyonne but me. how lonesome is that. even suicidals they just really want to be saved. everyone wants to live. everyone except me. i'm all alone in my sadness. i always have been.

how hard could it be to watch your child die. if every parent's only wish is for their childrens' happiness. shouldn't it be easy then. knowing that it's for the best.

06-18-04 friday 11:40pm

i probably should tell them to just forget me. instead of pretending. i can't remember any worse feeling than watching it fading. how it starts out so bold and eventually is almost nothing.

and in my head i keep thinking nothing might be better than this. to know. too feel what it once was and be left with. if i had any kind of backbone i'd tell it to go to hell. because no heart that's ever loved someone deserves to be aksed to accept this much less.

is not about feeling that they've returned it. no. it's feeling that what you feel for them is now irrelevant.

i just hate the word friend. and how people tend to abuse it. it's just an escape ladder. that's all it is to them.

i wish i knew if i'd be better with nothing than i am like this.. wish i knew just how this differs. cause if it does, i can't see it.

11:50pm 06-18-04 friday

your world is not for me to know. because you've never wanted me to. and my world is much too open. i let you see every valley and peak. i always tend to cheat myself. give before i get. offer without ever having been asked.

i still think that you meant well, but there's so much else that requires your attention.

it's not that i don't want to make it better for you. just that now it seems impossible. and i think you thought you could save me. but you really can't. i may have thought that i wanted to be. briefly, when being with you made it seem worth the effort. but those were just daydreams.

there's nothing wrong about. nothing right either. just two people trying to reconcile what they felt with what they can attain. it doesn't matter anyhow. i never wanted you like that. not in the way you thought. i always wanted you to stay with them. i never wanted to change your life. i just thought you could change mine somehow.

i never had a plan. just a feeling. but that feelings changed. it's hollow now. you once gave me hope. made me feel so wanted. but now it's just fading like so many things do. you might still feel it in your heart, but you don't make it known. so what good is it. what's the use in loving someone you can never be with.

we made eachother happy for a while. aren't we so lucky for that chance. but now we're just holding onto what no longer wants us. now your lfie has remembered you and there's no place where i fit into it.

friends is just a nice way to say goodbye when you wish you didn't have to. friends is just he way that aching hearts use to make it easier to forget.

you might call on tuesday, but wednesday it won't matter. you might think about it whenever you can. but eventually it'll fade away. not mean anytthing. it's already slipping away from us. i can't stop it. and you shouldn't.

i loved you. i really did. mucch moreso because i almost beleived that you could. but your world's been built. and mine is busy being demolished.

i hope it's all good for you. i really do. may each minute be that much better than the next. may you not remember anything except. what's worthy of your love. not me. just them.