Dark Poetry Prose Poetry June 19, 2004 Dark Poetic Prose

06-19-04 saturday 8:38pm

these are the decisions we have made. and all their trenchant repurcussions that pound like bass drums as the vapid backbone of our lives. these are the people we've become. gelid hearts that begin to melt near the slightest flame. that something so cold and hard has such a fatal weakness is more than ever wanted to know. it's too much to make peace with. rather just let it melt me down into that liquid from which life first came. back to a puddle of could be's that might someday become, but haven't yet.

these are nights and days we have made. suburban, jejune and vagrant. intravene your dower passions into them. transfuse yourself into their veins so black. to try to make up for all that they lack.

these are the decisions we have made. where we are and with whom. goat's milk ice cream sundaes. and beer frappuccinos. sipping on the rim of the future's glass. despising the taste, but overcome by the way it has of turning red to white. how suddenly, it makes you feel every blink, though you never have before. how yesterday defines us, but tomorrow forces us to prove who we have become.

9:10pm 06-19-04 saturday

no we are not. not those clouds we saw silver in. not those stars we thought were listening when all those wishes overflowed from our heads. we are not. never have been. we just scribbled our love in the sand. and watched as the tide erased what we had written.

no i am not your friend. not how you had hoped i could. it's more than that. you want it to be an ember. just one glowing ember from what once were those flames. but it can't be. eventually without soemthing stronger, those embers always fade.

yes, i will love forever. that cannot change now. forever, if souls live on. til i die if not.

but still it may go dormant if there's nothing to keep it awake.

no we are not. not the blessings we thought disguised. nor that flower we thought would bloom again once winter was over. we're just that winning bet we were too late to place. we just closed our eyes for a moment and didn't realize we were dreaming til it was too late.

i thought i knew who you were. and that you knew me. but now i realize i was taking so much on faith, when faith was not at all inclinded to take me.

i thought i'd be able to look back and be glad. and i was right. i can. but i also thought i wouldn't feel so empty when it was gone. i was wrong about that.

there's sunrise and there's sunset. and there's a whole bunch of crap inbetween them. but those are the markers. those are the signs we use to steer by. but i'm still lost in the middle of. staring at the horizon waiting for this to fall or rise. wondering will it next be dark or light. i know which, but even though, i need to see it happen with my own eyes.

06-19-04 saturday 10:19pm

on the fringes. what a beautiful sight that landscape is. from behind the lens of this panoramic friendship, i can see everything, but nothing specific. i can take snapshots, but no details come into focus. green valleys and steep mountains all testify on your behalf. but not what plants and animals call it habitat.

open. like split skin. can see right down to the muscle once hidden. saturday cradling sunday to its breast. milking it. why must time progress. why can't it just stop. why can't it just give us this one pause and allow the moment to flourish. to be as strong as it once promised. to make everything else before or after seem irrelevant.

cause i'm eager now to strip the night right down to its underwear and find then all the things it tries to hide. cuz i'm lonely and tired and sick of covering it up. as if the strokes we place ontop of the originals could ever change the portrait beneath them.

those bloody wrists were real. even if they closed up, they never really healed. even if they wouldn't let me go, i made my exit still the same. and ever since. ever snce, all i've been doing is waiting for the light to change. to show me how to die again. to show me how to stop the ache.

10:27pm 6-019-04 saturday

i could take them. i ought to just. take them like candy and wait for the head rush.

see the prism of colors as. as life does grants that one last wish.

closure to the habits and all that has led to this.

i could. i should just try. even if. maybe they'd let me go then, if they could only know how much that i want it.

perhaps if they could understand that the flower's alreayd dead, they would let be able to let the petals rest.

maybe if they could only know from how far the raindrop do fall, they would not try to collect them. but instead just let them. as they always should have. disappear into the ground with ease. no more see it as a death, but rather as a release.

10:27pm 06-19-04 saturday

i've been thinking about you, as i'm often inclinded to do. but not in the ways that i need you. cuz i don't. only wanted. and that proved false. but i've been thinking about what you wanted. what you still do. and all i can do is wonder, how much farther.

i'm not the answer. that much i do know. but all else shelters in mystery. you have so much to be happy for, so why aren't you. you have so much that loves you and to love. so why then is it not enough.

i was thinking about you. and myself too. how we relate. how we conflict. how your world can be so full and you still find emptiness in it. and how you look at mine and question my termperament.

i was thinking about you. how we did the things we chose to do. as if we had some say in what happens. as if we were the riders instead of the horses.

i was thinking about you and those who came before. how life always lets us down. and friends even moreso. how intentions are the best we can offer. and they just don't ever do what they meant to.

where i've been and what i've come to. it's not such a great distance from hopeful to hopeless. just a few too many sips and you're stranded on that island. shipwrecked. all pigheaded and claiming the waves were too high and you did your best, but they just beat you.

i can wonder at what other lifes aspire to. but i'll never really know. i can blame this, that or the other, but it doesn't change what's always been.

it's like all my life i've been the echo of other people's voices. trapped in the deep canyon they chose to shout me into. and i always come back to them only to find they've already let go.

11pm 06-19-04 saturday

damn it's such a disappointment to learn that even other poets don't know you. that maybe that's not what you are. just something they don't have a name for yet. ghost perhaps, but not quite. cause you're still technically alive, though you're wishing you weren't.

damn, it's so hard to live in this box i've contsructed. but what choice do i have.

it hurts to think that these rocky faces no one wants to scale. that i pour myself into the metaphors, but no one wants them.

if bees could dance. if ants could fly. then maybe, then life would be different. if yes could admit the no that it masks. if love could stretch beyond these lives that we clasp. if anyone could love someone else enough to let them pass.

to know that life doesn't yield to the feeble dreams we clutch. and flesh isn't everything. that it's hardly amything at a all. if ever such a friend. such a love could be. but not even less is possible. so what then am i to believe.

hearts cling to those feeble ideals, but such peaks are steep.

so many happy people, and they lay there thinking they're not. cause it's easier. cause they don't know what it really means to be alone. they spit on how i feel because they don't understand what it's realy like. they've never been. hopefully never will be. they whine because some small thing didn't go right.

they lay in amongst the thick pillows of their happiness and imagine something different. bored with how easy it has been. if they only knew. if they only knew what alone really is.