Dark Poetry Prose Poetry June 21, 2004 Dark Poetic Prose

9:38am 6-21-04 monday

you can claim all you want to care about someone. maybe even believe that you do. even if, what good is it if you never show them. if you put it up high at the top of a flag pole. so they see the symbol of flapping in the wind. but it's just a repsentation of a lofty concept. nothing real they can feel or touch.

i know it was a long time ago now, when the calls came frequent and i was still someone you actually enjoyed being with. i know it was a long time ago. so why then does it feel like it was just yesterday. maybe because even though these bodies don't, hearts really do live forever. and time for them moves so much slower. in your head you know it's long since over. but for them, letting go takes so much longer.

6-21-04 10:33pm monday

what am i going to say that i haven't already said. same damn pages with different dates on them.

yea, i sure feel the love now. when all thsoe days have gone by. all those months.

i guess i suck in bed cuz they fuck me for a while and then get bored. and there's nothing left to keep em coming back. or maybe the sex is good, but my personality eventually repels them.

i hate the word friendship. the entire concept. how people use it to not feel so guilty when they're breaking your heart. i hate it. how people use it to alleviate their guilt as. how they patronize me with that empty offering. knowing full well, it's bullshit.

friends, yea sure, in the vaguest sense. friends, yea right, cuz you don't want me as an enemy.

believe it or not i once had friends, and i still remember how that feels. so you can say it all you want, but until you prove it, i'm not likely to believe.

i'm not very good at telling anyone to go to hell. cuz i'm so insecure. and i always wonder if i'm misjudging them because of that. i trust my instincts, but not enough. i'm no good at calling their bluff and i imagine that they know that.

so lie to me. i don't really care. tell me how special and then never offfer me a reason to trust. say we're friends after the sex is done. so that i won't hate. if you really knew me, you'd know that i wouldn't have no matter what.

so lie to me. it doesn't really matter. good times were had even if. i never really had to believe in your love. only my own. mistake or not. it's all we ever have to own. what we choose to love has little to with who loves us. who we are doesn't depend upon who loves us back. true love doesn't do so for the return of. it just is. it just happens. nothing else matters after that.