Dark Poetry Prose Poetry June 27, 2004 Dark Poetic Prose

06-27-04 sunday 9:41pm

so there i was and here i am. i have listened. i have heard. both the soft footsteps of life and runners' thunderous ones. i've seen the moth incinerated by the flame thta seduced it. i've tasted that air on summer nights while the mosquitos revel in their feeding frenzy as so much flesh lay exposed.

was it all worth it. i don't know. but i'd like to think so. that there's all this time to fill up. and a scarce abundance of good ways to do so. so many the choices we make aren't always the best. but we all work within our limitations. everyone at some point finds themselves pretending that they beleive in what they're doing. if only because they had hoped for once they really could. if only because a beautiful lie is better than truth sometimes.

you can lay back in your easy chairs of i was smarter than. but i know. always have. just what i was doing. and exactly why. you can revel in how you outwitted, but i know that you really didn't. i always knew just what was happening. i just didn't care. had nothing better to do.

the losses i grieve. the pain i submit to. they're something greater than any one man can produce. their a million little fragmented lesson on the facts of life. you were each a part of the equation, but none of you were ever the solution. there were numbers. lots of number. lots of multiplications and division. but it all was just learning. not nearly enough to quantify.

06-27-04 9:59pm sunday

isn't it enough that i can still say hello when i'm thinking goodbye. i keep wondering what you want from. still can't decide.

is it guilt. is it pity.

we both know i have nothing to offer to anyone. so why. why should you go on believing that i do.

there's no hate. no anything at all besides memories that ought to have forgotten by now.

i don't wnat to tell you never again. i just don't want to pretend.

it seems i haven't that much to lose now. everything i thought i had, forgets me in time. i don't wnat enemies. i do want friends. but not this kind.

i don't know what i could possibly add to your life. and i'd rather not substract from yours. i can't imagine why . if it's guilt, then just forget it. i made those choices. they are mine.

i'd like to think there's some reason other than. but it's hard to believe. i'd like to think that there's something i offer you that no one else can. but it's hard to believe now. as i'm watching you fade. i'd like to think we were more than just sex, but it's not easy now. now that that it's gone and we've hardly anything left.

06-27-04 sunday 10:13pm

thunderclouds all full of rain. and still they can't release. nights that beg you to admit the ache. but why bother. when no one's listening. and even if they could hear, what difference would that make.

i'm so bored with all these bottles. but they're the only friends i have. i've heard all these songs so many times, but there just aren't any good new ones yet.

there's just no answer except. it's not easy at all. don't downplay it like that.

those so called friends. i do. i realy do notice their efforts. but they have their lives. and i have mine. and the two seldom intersect. be it choice or circumstance. does it really matter. all that matters is what happens. what we're left with. what we have. what we want. what we'd rather just forget.

i'm not a threat. not even in the slightest sense. you don't have to worry. just live. live as well as you can. and never think that i seek any kind of revenge.

god, that's the last thing on my mind as i think about how, how well to end this.

there are so many ways to die. it's hard to choose. and there are so many ways to fuck it up. i can't come back from that again.

i just hope that your life is everything that you want from it. that you love her more than you'd ever admit to me. that we were just a beautiful mistake you made. a lucky phase in my apathy.

friends, well, i know just what that means. though i'm not so inclined to give into it. friends, sure i know all that it predicts. i just always try to resist. because soemtimes i think nothing would be better. that nothing would be more approriate given how i feel when.

what i've felt doesn't deseve to be whittled down to. but i just let. cause i can't hate. can't forget. how i feel doesn't deserve what i leave it with. sometimes i find myself wishing that i could have. but all i can do is miss.

i've always wanted to die long before we ever met. and i still do. i wouldn't change a thing. woudln't change anyting. it was perfect.

now i'm ready. ready for it to end.