Dark Poetry Prose Poetry June 29, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

6-29-03 sunday 11:40am
shenandoah park, lakewood NJ

live alone -
die alone,
inbetween
ride alone.

there's nothing else to be.

moving water
doesn't move me -
spinning wheels
don't take me
anywhere i haven't
already been.

6-29-03 8:26pm brick NJ sunday

hold back and still everything is taken. give more and it only leads to the breaking. nothing is right. nothing is wong. just empty space. a blackhole posing as a life.

i am no one. that's how it started and it's never changed. different places. different people. make no real difference.

i've been dying since that first breath. and no one seems to understand the concept. they watch me struggling to live, but they don't really see it. they read the desperate words time and again, but it doesn't make sense in their heads.

the sadness was never because of your presense. or lack of. i got confused. needed a reason. you were as good a reason as anyone. there's no person that can complete me. there's no goal i can achieve. there's no friend who could make it better, even if friends were real.

so far back that even i can't recall when it began. always. almost forever. if forever has a starting point or an end. but it doesn't that's just what it is. like this sadness. like this feeling of never being born really. as if every breath is a hoax. every moment just a stepping stone to that graveyard that's always been beckoning.

don't need a song to tell me how love will find its vision. don't need the night to pretend that darkness can forget. when in fact, i know that it rememebers much better. don't have reasons. don't have explanations. all i have. all i've ever had is this sole companion. misery. only friend. the only one who understands what it's like to wish you had never been.

i tried to believe that the sun. that moving. pedalling that much harder could change how i feel. endorphines and adrenalin magic exlirs to cure what i am. but they're temporary solutions to a permanent problem. no better than the other substances i use. if we run. if we ride. if we drink. if we lust. they're all the same really. different methods of achieving the same result. exercise, love, lust, drugs. all separate means to the same damn ends. not to be yourself for a while. to toss away who you are and let the chemicals fool your mind into thinking that you are alive.

but we never are. never can be. wake up and hear the seconds slowly crossing off your time. you're just a part of the cycle. birth, creation, death. we're just feathers in the wings of life. small pieces of the flight. but not the flying. we're just animals trying to breed. to preserve some peice of ourselves before it's all taken away. and i can't do that. i refuse. so here i stay even less. no purpose at all. as meager as those purposes seem to be. they still seem better than this nothing. as hollow as are the lives they create. i still envy them. their disproportionate happiness seems a blessing compared to this. that vague sense of self-importance tied to gods and myths seems so much better than this. but i am able to believe in nothing expect this all too real emptiness.

6-29-03 sunday 9:24pm brick NJ sunday

how does the moon rise. why does it pull on the tide. all questions asked have an asnwer, but that doesn't mean it's ready to be found. where do we go when ourselves are what we need to forget. to the bottom of the bottle or to the top of orgasm. all motions have their methods, but that isn't to say they don't happen without consequences.

older now. young as i was. rosebud in your midst suddenly bloomed unexpected. and now you're wondering shoudl you let it open or forget it. now time is promising something that you thought you wanted. but now that it's there to have you're not so certain afterall that you really want it.

dark as i've been. greyer yet i've become. shadow in your midst. ghost of a person trying to be real for you again. it's just not happening. insteand, you're fading fast. you'll never admit, but i can see it. sure as i know that road led me where i am.

alone is easy. so easy when there's no one to want. nothing to need except a song and a sip to leave the night to its own devices. peretend that life never really happened. hey, maybe it didnt'. maybe it never should have. more questions whose answer intend never to be found. more moments that linger on the edge of that something more you're so afraid to admit. more conversation lost and found in the chaos that the world propounds.

every moment matters. every second. it happens even if we resist. the blood remembers. the mind tenders contracts wihout a signature. i'm left here with only myself to blame for all the mistakes that have claimed my happiness. or have they. is it real or just some feeble concept ceated to. i never had you. i never planned on it. but now that i've known. i wish i could have.

6-29-03 10:30 pm brick NJ sunday

she was born alone and so life ensued. or at least it tried to. but life is for the living. not for the undead.

taken like a star from the night. bloated. broken. like the moon on the cusp of time. it's never easy. never has been. it's just a process of learning and deciding. what pain you'll take with you and what you'll leave behind.

the people i've known. or thought that i could. the shadows of love that would skulk across this life. all much too grey to ever taste the colors. like a bottle almost empty. just one more sip to chase. leaves you wanting more. leaves you lacking all that makes it worthwhile to breathe. leaves you wondering why you ever inhaled in the first place. bargaining with reasons that never had a face. bartering with memory for just one more eclipse. standing in that cemetary wonderng when they'll let you rest in peace.