Dark Poetry Prose Poetry June 30, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

monday 8:25pm brick NJ 6-30-03

another year stolen right out from under your precious heart. a few more dollars in the bank. a couple extra lines in that reflection. another year couldn't really matter more than all those before. another year on the brink of happiness. still afraid to take that leap.

how old til we're actually old? how many birthdays does it take to love someone? and how many more til you don't again?

your eyes like the moon pull on me. your memory like an ocean makes so many waves.

i know how it is. how it must be.

one more year to stuff into the back pocket of your life. one more number you'll never have to be again. another year, but who's counting. a minute or a lifetime, they're all the same in the end.

6-30-03 monday 9:20pm brick NJ

flesh on flesh has lost its passion now instead it numbs me. friend on friend has lost its veracity. now it all seems just too easy for you.

blue moon dreams leave me naked and asking too many questions. cold water hearts leave me dirty and shivering. open like a tabloid. full of shallow headlines with very little truth behind. alone like that one star when the night clouds overcome.

maybe if i knew what i wanted then it'd be easier to find, though i doubt it. who would offer and why. no one. maybe if i knew what it was that i lacked it would be easier to convince myself that i don't need it. if i were younger. less broken. if life had been different. if anyone had ever found anything in me to love. but no one has. and no one does. i'm not pitying myself. i'm just realizing what i can't have. i'm not crying. i'm just adjusting to a life that plays out more like dying.

everything folds like years much too old. months reject the minutes that we've given them. it's not enough. it never has been.

birthday boys and dying girls. a glass menagerie of loneliness. alone and then alone again until it's shatttered. can it be that hard not to forget? can alone be that much better than our time spent?

i crack. i crash. i'm wrecked. time and again. every song reminds. each conversation a lesson in holding back. every kiss a test of my resistance. my willingness to pretend it's less than it is. just to keep the friend that i'm not even certain is a friend.

instant messages. gratification of the senses. not so alone as i had been. instant messages. instant happiness. popping up and disappearing as quickly as the connection between us. rapid and guarded. all lost and found at once. you'll always be.

alone is not what i am. but who. solitude is not my predictament. but my environment. all lives strive for purpose. all hearts wish to be loved. but all wishes are not to be granted.

beneath the flesh, but above the silence there is an alcove we share every now and then. but it's not home. it's not some place we can call permanent. in every kiss there's a small taste of goodbye. always has been. it's never easy. i never expected that it would be. it's been worse, but by now it should be better than this. i'm used to asking. accustomed to negatives. i never expected. i guess i just wanted it more this time. every heart has its limit. every puzzle its missing pieces. time can offer less sadness, i'm just not sure that's really what i want anymore. love can learn to accept. i just don't think that's what i'm waiting for.