Dark Poetry Prose Poetry Julty 11, 2004 Dark Poetic Prose

07-11-04 sunday 10pm

those little pieces of life that you keep at the bottom of your pockets. that jingle as you walk, but whne you reach for never let. force you to break a big bill cuz you can't grab them. those chunks of change your life leaves over after the big bills have been broken. what. oh what to do with them. you can carry them with you until you've so many that they begin to weigh you down. you can roll them up and turn them in for credit.

but i think it's better to hold them in your hand. see how they sparkle. listen to the music they make as they dance. i think it's better to let them go. set them free. toss them in the air and see where they land.

i already know most of what i need to. i don't know everything, but i do know enough. it's not the words you use to say it. it's all about how it tastes as it skates over your tongue. it's not about what you intended to say. it's all about afterwards. how you chose to back them up.

it might be too late for me. somehow i think it's always been. all my life i've felt like i've been living it in reverse. running backward toward a beginning that still hasn't happened.

it's not easy to let myself know someone else. harder still to let them know me. it's always been a paradox. in that i know the closer we get the further we fall apart.

i've never really wanted love. hardly even thought about. well, not for years now. not since youth gave way to harsher decisions.

but i was all right with that. didn't really need it. not that kind. what's the use. people die. people divorce. people regret.

a life without a wife or husband. that's not such a bad one. but friends. lovers. they're needed. i can pretend every night that i'm a self-contained mechanism, but if i really was, i'd have nothing at all to write.

i don't have an answer. don't even seek one anymore. i just spend a lot of time trying to understand. and even more wondering why i can't

07-11-04 sunday 10:22pm

i had to laugh when everything went back to how it had always been. it was my choice. laugh or cry. but tears were nver my thing. and it's all very funny when you think about how easily i was misled.

there was an opportunity to experience something different. can you blame me. can anyone blame me for taking it.

my intentions never had anything to do with the future or forever. it was just a dance. just a song that played. i liked it. so i listened.

there were feelings, but they don't have to mean that much. not outside yourself. i live them in my little world. no one ever has to know. i fall in love like an accordion and wait for it to compress. it happens and i let it. i needn't expect. because i know the outcome. and i'm too busy trying to love it while it lasts.

i don't want. never have. just feel. feel a lot of things until something feels me back.

i don't need. don't ask. just feel. just feel what i can.

07-11-04 sunday 10:49pm

it's been a while. don't ya think. has it been circumstance or choice. don't know if i want to know really.

it's been ages since, well you know what i'm thinking of. but even if, it's been a long time since it felt like we were really friends.

i don't mind. i really don't.

it's been a long time since i've been disappointed by anyone or anything.

maybe. i guess. i was wrong all along. thinking this was any different from all those before.

in my heart you were different, but reality might not oblidge.

so many stairways. so few ways to climb.

i know the limitations. more than you'd ever guessed. not just of men with obligations. but of men with all kinds of excuses. i know what it is to be wanted. and also what it is to not.. the difference is obvious. thw difference is on what i depend.

what none of them ever undetstood is that it's not at all about such depth. that a person needn't have a lover to be loved. that not everyone needs an answer. some people all they want is for the question to surrender.

what no one seems to get is that i don't want their forever. i don't want a certficate. it's not about the commitment. it's always been about the intent.

i don't know what other people seek. i don't really want to. i only know that love is something we can't choose. and that it seldom results in the happiness.

what no one seems to understand. none of those friends seems to get. is that i don't want their lives. i don't want their forevers. i just wnat them to want to be there when.

i don't want to choose. i don't want to ask. i don't want to give my life away to them. nor take theirs.

i was just living. living what i felt. and watching them forget.

07-11-04 sunday 11:16pm

when i was born i'm told i wasn't quite right. that i was orange and too soon and ready to die.

when i was born, i'm told it didn't happen quite right. so it comes as no surprise that that is how i would live my life.

maybe, just maybe it was all worthwile. that otherwise not having been would leave me so much less.

when life happens. if it ever does. don't take birth for granted. that's not neccessarily when you're born. live each second like you're wiritng a new chapter. read before you write. and write like you don't care if.

maybe they'll remember me when. do i care. only in the most human sense. just to know. just to know that even if for only a single second, it mattered to them.

what do i want. though it's often been asked, it's seldom answered. becuase i don't know what i can want. don't know what i'm fit to have.

it's not unlike being a moon orbitting a planet. gazing down from the sky. so much distance between and yet it all seems too close. wouddn't it. isn't it. shoudn't it be so much easier just to let go.

i could lie and say that i was hoping for. but i never really was. i could lie and say that i thoguht life could offer better choices. but what's the use. what's the sense in pretending dreams are real if you've no longer the strength to go on dreaming them.

it's not a question of who or why. not about how little or how much. the night turns those pages as she sees fit.

all it is is a alone. trying not to be and failing again.