Dark Poetry Prose Poetry July 12, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

7-12-03 7pm brick NJ saturday

too sober. not even any caffine left in my blood. no sugar either. just diet soda and the haze of a long rather uneventful movie smothering my brain.

evanescence playing. had to look up that word too. big vocabulary... not quite. maybe by clamdigger standards.

no adrenaline left anymore from this afternoons weightlifting, though it felt good at the time. all sweaty and pumped. veins popping. heavy breathing. the joydrop girl screaming how she sometimes wants to die. my first thought, the first i heard the song... only sometimes?

today is mcdoofus's 45th birthday. strange how 45 sounds so much older than 44. he was 41 when i met him. i was only 25. still a virgin (with men anyway).

it was quite fateful how we met. yahoo chatroom. younger women for older men. first profile i happen to click on "brooklynborn58" says dave from freehold NJ. i'm shocked to have stumbled upon someone from the area so easily. it wasn't even a local chatroom.

i private message him. usual cursory conversation. but one of the first things he says to me after that is, "i drive a mercedes". "so" i reply back. honestly, big fucking deal. it sounded sorta sleazy, but i let it slide.

it wasn't long before he wanted to talk on the phone and meet. we talked that night. i think i called him. it was an easy conversation. i don't remember if we decided that night to meet. we talked often over the next week or so. i know we set a date to meet each other pretty quickly.

the date was to be on december 30, 1999. at friday's in old bridge. not far from where i was working then.

i already knew there was something there, from the phone conversations. but the first time i saw him. insert tired cliche here.

didn't lose my virginity to him afterall. though it was originally intended to be that way. he ended up as bachelor number two in that department.

spite sex. bad idea. he won't say, but i know he still holds a grudge. i think i may have even actually hurt him. i didn't realize i could do that until much later.

every once in a while i'll go into my briefcase and look at the two pics of us there. the one from march 2000 when i still thought there was hope. he still seemed happy to be alive. he looked so good to me then.

but then i look at the pic from september 2002. only 2 1/2 years later. i look pretty much the same i think. a little thinner. but he looks so different. so much older. i've never thought of myself as a shallow person. have always liked people based on their personality rather than appearance or gender for that matter. and in many ways i am still attracted to him because of who he is. but i look at those photos and i wonder how 2 and a half years can change a person so much.

it could be the alcohol. the pot. the loneliness. all of those things. it kills me when he says he's lonely. and i think me too. there i was for 3 years willing and able to love him. there he was saying he loved me, but all the while refusing to go with it.

i guess a skeptic would say, well, obviously he was just using you for sex. maybe the skeptic would be right. i can't read his mind. but we so seldom had sex. the majority of our relationship is based on long phone conversations, not physical contact.

we're still friends. i hope we always are. thanks to him i was able to fall in love again. and also able to grow as a person when i had to learn to be just friends. i can't say he's been a great friend. i think he means well. he has his own approach to friendship. it's very much about what we can do for eachother and gifts. he isn't very good at giving of himself so he gives things. and even though, things don't hold me when i lonely, i understand this is who he is.