Dark Poetry Prose Poetry July 15, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

7-15-03 tuesday 9:24pm brick NJ

try in your silence to say the things that breath won't take. ghosts of feelings breaking free of their graves.

semi-colon pauses in the conversation leave you waiting for the rest of the thought. as you suck on the neck of your most gregarious of friends. green glass capsules of liquid denial.

i never was able to make eye contact so easily before. not certain i ever really wanted to. never been so liked by someone and felt the same. it seems i fell upon attention's crutch just as readily as those i've scoffed at for it. affection; what is it? is it when hands are held? when stares just happen? hide. does it live between the semi-colons or just passed the commas?

should i listen? should i look? should i pretend i'm doing the right thing when i'm really only protecting myself?

fate has never been a stranger to my life. but it's constant bent for irony has begun to wear on me. fate has never been my enemy. but it hasn't been much of a friend either.

had sped half way down the mountain before i even realized the distance we'd stolen. was in the middle of a slow motion fall before i even realized it was gonna hurt again. hours after the crash until i realized i was bleeding.

7-15-03 10:24pm tuesday brick NJ

if i can explain this so that you instead of me will understand it. the struggle for self-reliance is rooted in the stakes of friendship. all the years that i've loved you, i don't regret them. but sometimes you can still make me feel as if they were useless.

i don't want to change you. i just need a response sometimes. it seems when it matters the most, you care that much less.

i know i'm not asking for anything that you don't have. maybe just asking when there's other things you'd rather. but isn't that just it. isn't that the crux of friendship. not why or when. not is it valid. just i'm here. now.

not looking for reasons. not seeking apologies. kind words will only take you so far. words aren't what i need. words are the one thing that i've always had. you see them. you read them, but somehow, in some way they haven't carried my message.

i won't say it again. i won't ask. i know how much, how little you can give. never wanted more than. be human. let yourself live, feel for just a moment before you die. if not for me, then anyone who you can.

don't call me friend. just don't lie again. i know that you believe it, but i also know you'll never act upon. and i'm sorry for that. i really am.

7-15-03 10:58pm brick NJ tuesday

tired. isn't everything. lost on the wave of the last chorus still vibrating in your head. given to the the easy habits like lips too near to a kiss. can't go back now. can't pretend that you didn't already taste it. that second before you did. you took the saccarine and had to have more of it.

beauty. what's the appeal of it. so contrived. so artificial. fake sugar. no calories. no substance.

addiction. fraught with emotion. so real. like that movie of birth with the tiny camera in the uterus. on the edge of vomit hormones surge to protect the softer braincells. like flesh too tender suddenly colored by the needle moving so rapid. full of ink and visions. purple outlines overwritten. and the blood congeals. the hair grows back. funny how the flesh forgets, but the mind does not. strange how life creates these images, but the skin must wear them.

i've never been the one to say goodbye to anyone. not willingly. it was always their choice. my acceptance. over time. not easily. i've never wanted to do it. that noose doesn't ever swing kindly. there's no uncinching knots so tight.

but you refuse to. and still you beg it. you play your hand so methodically. like an expert in betting. betting that i never could. betting that even strained words are still something better than none. you hurt me. not because you don't love. not because you're not here. you hurt me because you don't listen. only because you see me breaking and you just turn your head as if it isn't really happening.

if what i've needed is more than, you should've admitted it to both of us long before this. if you're afraid to be all alone. without me as your crutch. i have no come back for that. always believed you were better than that. but all this while, you've done nothing to back it up.

where in the heart does love begin. and where must it end? my experience isn't enough to afford those kinds of answers, but i still know when someone is holding on just because they can.