Dark Poetry Prose Poetry August 3, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

8-03-03 sunday 11am brick NJ

the sunshine mocks me. so much the opposite of what exists within. the beautiful day makes me hate it. cannot love it like everyone else does. i want it to rain. to be dark and wet and full of all the sadness that life contains.

go on and crawl inside me;
snake through my veins,
an infection headed straight
for my heart;

taunt me when i'm sober
and please me when i'm not,
make me cry,
force me to feel again -
remembering why
i had avoided;

wanting to runaway,
disappear like it
never happened -
it's just i can't,
can't hurt you when
the only reasons i have
are all selfish ones.

why'd you have to
make me feel again?
why'd you have to
be so you?
why'd you have to
want me at all?

hearts are stubborn
and so fucking stupid,
never do learn
to stop trying;

love is evil and
so tempting as,
pierce the apple skin
and say goodbye to eden.

08-03-03 sunday 7:46pm brick NJ

it's only good for such a short time. a few days and then i realize it can never happen. and though i know this when i feel it first begin. i try to push it away, but it doesn't listen.

lost in myself. so selfish when. consumed with thoughts of, but unable to ignore them.

it's different this time. because i knew from the start.

i denied it,
so strong for a while,
i only ended up
making the journey longer,
the destination unchanged;

it's exposed and beating on the table,
like open heart surgery where truth is the scapel,
it's still beating, somehow more alive now
that it's been punctured, bled.

it's all the means of my escape
suddenly ignoring my pleas,
all the ways i use not to be me
refusing to take effect;

i can see you in my head
whether i close my eyes
or leave them open,
i can feel you there
still inside me,
whether or not i meant
to remember when;

you never left...

8-03-03 sunday 8:12pm brick NJ

playing card people,
shuffle the deck -
the two halves split
intermingle back into
one whole set;

then deal them,
poker faces
won't protect
the hand you're holding -
so afraid to place your bet;

i'm miserable because
i've fallen again,
i love the feeling of
suffocation that stalks it,
addicted to killing myself
over and over again,
barely breathing,
hardly alive, but
there is so much
lfe to be found in death.

08-03-03 10:30am sunday brick NJ

it's never within reason.
always to much,
gentle rain showers
rapidly become floods.

it's always me
thinking so much that
the end comes before
we've even had a change.

don't want to feel like this,
so suspetible to love,
all too vulnerable
and ready to be broken again.

don't want to want you
or to be wanted by,
can't stand to keep
thinking about you
all the time.

solitude is who i've wed,
we are joined together
til the end.

could fall into,
maybe i already have,
now all i can think about is
my solitude -
how to get her back.