Dark Poetry Prose Poetry August 4, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

08-04-03 12:50am Brick NJ monday

ask you shall receive. put myself into situations. make it. always making it less than it could've been. if i make it happen should i be surprised when it does. if i seek the nothing. why then do i wish i hadn't. no love. just touch. afraid of. so close, but not close enough. to break the barrier. push it away. tug on the flesh until the heart forgets. so you can tell yourself that it never was. never could be. nothing lost. nothing broken. only the act of. the release within it. only the race toward. the screaming finish.

it's just how it always happens. they start to sink in and i find the means to make it shallow. it's easy when you need to. when fear is your only true friend. fear of loving. fear of being. as if that could ever happen.

make them forget. use what biology gave you to defend your tender part. flesh can make the heart forget. sex can build a fortress. a place where bodies can connect without all those other complications.

i used to think it was them, but now i know it's me. because you gave me every reason to believe that it mattered so much. and i just had to do what i could to make it not.

warm beds. wet sheets. and everything that happened inbetween. look back on this night and remember i almost could be. so close to myself without excuses. it was for a moment and then i had to make it stop. it was more than just simple pleasure and that's when i had to put it away and be what makes it easy again.

sex always uses. never knew that she could be used too. but then she only recently got to know me. love likes to abuse. confuse everything. love tends to magnify every word. but she never guessed i could scream louder yet.

where do i go now that i've made this
soemthing so much less than it had intended,
no futures, no prospects,
just that i can feel it
growing in my skin like a parasite;

i swallowed, i fed it and
begged it to take my life.

cuz i can't be what anyone needs
unless it's just what you've witnessed,
i can want. i can need,
but as you're there,
as it moves through me,
i take the offense,
i defend against;

now you've taken yourself
away from here, back to your home,
with that still lingering in you,
and i know i'm different now,
i've made it so again,
gone from special person
to whore with an innocent grin;

just remember me before this,
before the need took prisoners -
because i never wanted to be this,
but i've tried and i can't be anything more.

empty nights have constructed
the perosn i've become,
grinning wide and wishing
that there was a such thing as real love;
teasing and drawing on
until speech is gone;

years have taught me
just how to avoid
those moments when
it could actually happen,
can't do it again, fall
and miss the target,

won't do it again, fall
and wish i hadn't,
all day waiting, wanting,
and then last moment finds,
so reminiscent of,

don't tell me that you can't,
just don't say anything,
that was my purpose,
can't break again,
so don't, just let me
forget while i still can,

and then move on
when it's all been done,
never care, never love,
cause you can't,
though i already have,

i answered, i listened, i asked.
i gave in as so often i have,
can't resist the urge to feel bad,
to revel in the ways that i can find
to make the pain linger as it has,

and all the while i taunt it with
how i can belittle its intent,
i'm falling, so either catch me
or else let me hit the ground,
tell me that you do too,
or else just use me,
cuz i need something to do.