Dark Poetry Prose Poetry August 9, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

8-09-03 1am saturday brick NJ

why, where and when. do i become real. do i breathe again. how, who and if. places in the mind that are forced to feed on air so stagnant. corpses grabbing for their last breath. muscle movements of forgotten nerve ends.

just a ghost. a shadow dancing against the light. defying that which. broken lives. knowing eyes.

it's harder still. not wanting to. so much left to kill. emotion comes like a hurricane and what can i do but take shelter when. life twists like a tornado, watching. awed. the temptation plays. funnel cloud dreams of escape. who could. and why would they. too far gone to care what i'm missing. too jaded to cry for what isn't happening. just take me. take it. move in like it's everything. stalk. hunt. kill. every thought. every feeling that dares expect anything more than it's within my power to claim.

i'm just alone. what i've always been. just me. quiet until someone wakes the beast. i'm just an actor looking for a stage. some way to use these emotions that won't let them win.

forget me. let me pretend that it never meant anytinng. stalking my own dreams to find the killer in me. always like tomorrow is. persistant and taken for granted.

i can't love. can't be loved again. i can do this, but only if it's easy. like taking. like feeding on. tender flesh and dreams of when it shakes you.

i can be lover. i can be friend. but i can't be really wanted. i don't expect. i'm not asking. just tasting. just feeling it when the moment begs.

too broken to love. too strong not to want some. it's not what it seems. it's so much more than simple pleasures. because i've never known such things. it is. always has been. but denial quenches. it is. always was. more than. but it's too hard. just let the feeeling overcome. taste. tease. take. and then if you're lucky the morning willl refrain. will not remind you. of all that isn't to be found in those places. forget them because. ignore them how i can. you'll understand. you won't mind it. drowning in your pleasire it doesn't matter. it shouldn't have to. gone this far. no going back. feeeble promises to the self. marking the cards aand then forgretting what they mean. swaying like a cloud in a dream and then almost believing.

if you could. if it shoud ever be. love. need. someone i can trust to defend that softer tissue. sex. love making. pretending that's what it is. all the while afraid it's true. afraid isn't genuine. just as afraid it isn't.

8-9-03 saturday 10:30pm brick NJ

no metaphors to confide. no place to die. no love to be had. no reason to laugh, but i can. i do. no matter how sad.

more alone now that you make it so apparent. more lonely since. it's true. what i want is this. but i wish that i didn't.

paint me blue. make me red. rough me up and then smooth me out again. rag doll. toy friend. satire of a person is what i am. still waiting on the end.

you look and i don't know who is. you say things i could never believe even if they were real. so love me, but don't be in love. because it's impossible. because i could not believe it even if it was true.

8-9-03 saturday 10:43pm brick NJ

quiet nights. without a friend in the world. one moment you're in the midst of the frenzy. then quickly it's all gone. so silent like the winter when. i call you, but you don't answer. i miss you, but you don't care. friend. soulmate. confidante. selfish and brooding. how could i not love you. always.

falling out of love happens so slowly. but into so fast. needing. used to. lonely. distractions move through this hungry flesh. mistrust leaves those wandering boats without a single star to guide them. i'm all alone and i'm afraid. i'm much too likely to jump the edge again. i find them. or they find me. it happens. it must. i'm still alive. i live the life i can. let the sadness teach me how to love. watch the chemicals combust while i anticipate self-destruct.

it's like sometimes i can't feel anything at all.
and others it's just so much that i cave in.
it's as if every second has poison in it.
sometimes i swallow and sometimes i spit.

8-09-03 saturday 11:30pm brick NJ

it takes a lifetime to finish that one line you started when . writing always as if someday might be so kind as to give in and let you have those words that don't exist.

it's thinking so much that you can't sleep. not without something to make it happen. it's loving too strong. so much so that you don't want to go on feeling as you do. like the very thing that keeps you alive is killing you. just sweet and slow. innocent smile to disguise the evil it will do.

if i want to cry. but instead i just type. if the tears dance behind my eyes. swan lake sighs without the melody to tame. beautiful as pain can be. ugly as my life has ever been. so many ways to lose. to shred those last few pieices of purpose i have. so many ways to kill yourself without dying. they'll never know i have. or how many times it's happened.

i'm not sad. i'm not questioning. it's just a night that doesn't end. a kiss whose taste forever lasts. i'm not in love with anything except my sadness. i'm not afraid of what you feel or don't for me. i'm not scared of how much i can care. i'm just so wasted. i can taste it. in your words. in your breath. something vnetured. something gained. i fear it. everything that matters. so much power in my grasp. so much responsibility. what happens to me. i don't care. i know just how to defend. i hope that you do too. i won't be broken. never again. i hope you are just as certain.

don't trust me. don't love me. i know that no one can. i can be there. i can make it good. i can listen. i can let. i can love you if that's what you crave. just don't love me back. i can't do that.

08-09-03 saturday 1:30pm brick NJ

stay. leave.
love me. use me.
nothing and no one
can make me happy.

anything and everything.
i'm all of them.
empty. broken.
swollen full of.
crippled.

knock me down.
i can't be killed.
can't be loved.

9pm

right or wrong. here or gone. i'll mark the differences in my heart, but you'll never know the score.