Dark Poetry Prose Poetry August 15, 2004 Dark Poetic Prose

7:58am 8-15-04 sunday

in shallow breaths the day is born. still blind and helpless as a newborn kitten. the wind feeds her. the leaves lick her clean.

i woke up not tired, but too early still. because though i had my blankets wrapped about me as a cocoon. i hadn't changed. there was no metamorphosis. just myself the same as when i gone to bed. lying there so awake, but not wanting to move.

i stirred my last night's dreams into the fresh morning's brew. like cream into coffee. turning a black mind a lighter shade of true.

and it would wake me. behind my eyes it would. from the blood outward until feeling filled every nerve end. it would wake me and i would see. butterflies all around. and myself not changed. alone with my empty cocoon.

08-15-04 sunday 9:40am

i look for one phrase to start me and then i chase it. like runners wait for the sound of the gun. and shuttles for the countdown to launch them.

then run with it as fast and as far as it allows. not to find. not even to win. just to have been there and to be able to return again.

08-15-04 sunday 9:10pm

i grabbed the spiders web. and held it above the ground. and marvelled at how the tiny arachnid unphased, kept weaving its way down. as if my arm was no different than the shelf from which it originally had launched. i guess it isn't.

i paint in my mind when i don't have the energy to make it real. and besides, the colors are so much better there. so much more compelling and vivid.

i draw pictures of the sunrise just as i'm falling asleep. cause behind my eyes all the world looks so much more beautiful.

i read their words. their tired indulgences. oh what an experminent. just to see what they have to say. for themselves. and to someone else they think they may want to know.

i look at their photographs and read their biographies. stale messages from shallow heads. they flood in because the face they see is more appealing than the one i can offer them.

i can't help thinking that the world has always been a stranger to me, only i used to think i wanted to know. but now. now i think i don't.

08-15-04 9:48pm sunday

in the time between a heart breaking and its eventual healing, there are a lot of hours. a seemingly endless parade of rhymes without any reason.

i've only had my heart broken twice. once when i was too young to really appreciate all the learning it would grant. too young yet to understand that it was just as precious as the love that had died.

but the second time i saw it all clear. knew it would happen before i even began. not that i wanted it to, but i knew it would. i guess most people wouldn't move forward if they knew there'd be such an outcome. but i thought it doesn't matter how it ends. only how it feelings for the duration. cuz i don't believe in forever. not for myself. there are just a whole lot of moments. each one as fleeting as the next. and how willing we are to share them.

tomorrow isn't waiting on us. it's a fickle friend at best. moments. moments are all that we have.

i could've avoided all that ache, but i'd have so much to regret then. and a million broken hearts are still better than not having taken the chance.

i knew it couldn't ever be that which i had dreamt of it. i knew all along what i felt for you, you didn't feel for me. but in my mind love isn't about receiving. it's only just what i feel.

10pm sunday 8-15-04

i could wake it up again, so easily. though now it sleeps. though i don't know why i would. but i just thought you ought to know, it's isn't dead. i could never kill it. wouldn't want to. the most i can do is just leave it be.

i could make it rise again without much effort. like waking up from a long dream. all the world might've changed while, but i don't feel any different than i did back then.

i put it to sleep. let it rest. there was nothing else to do. couldn't bury it since it wasn't dead.

long after this flesh has melted it will still be true. these feeble bodies are not enough to carry the burden of the loves we persue.

i could wake it up again. with just a nudge. but i don't distrub its slumber. instead i just watch its shallow breaths. because however much it may've loved, that doesn't matter at all. not in a world like this. maybe in a thousand years from now. but not within the lifetimes we've been given.

maybe i'm old enough. not that child anymore. i've learned so much. from you. from all of it. i've learned too much to ever again believe in love.

08-15-04 sunday 10:47pm

every now and then it's like nothing's changed. no time has passed. that all this while the days forgot to happen. and those skins we shed are better left behind.

now and then i wonder what i wanted. anything. i try to answer myself, but it's much harder than you'd think.

i guess i've always loved with no intention of receiving. not because i'm so unselfish. but just because in my mind that isn't what it means.

soemtimes i believe it's easier. much easier still to give rather than to take. cause giving needs no further action, but receivng is such a huge responsibility.

i guess i'm crazy because i'm not looking for someone to love me in return. i was always just looking for someone who could appreciate the love that i felt for.

i'm guess i must be crazy cause no one'll ever believe me. that i could want to give so much for nothing in return. but i have all i've ever needed. to me life isn't about what you've have. it's about what you're left with after the fact.

i may not have been that succesful, but i did my best. i may not have been well loved. but i made the effort. that's all i can ask.

all tomorrows's are the same befoere they have that chance to change. in the future we're all equal before it happens. before fate has a chacne to rearrange.

that's all i could ever wish. that it would stay that way. cause love it so ovverrated and friends aren't too be trusted. not when. not when the world is like this.