Dark Poetry Prose Poetry August 18, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

8-18-03 6:20pm monday brick NJ

what to say when none of the voices in your head sound like friends. who to tell now that you've taken all the people who should've been and put them into other positions.

chasing the thoughts that were dominant only moments before. stumbling on questions i'd only just thought i'd answered.

it just so happens to be that i've forgotten why we tried. that all the pleasure in the world cannot justify.

it occurs to me that you fell in so quickly. you could fall out just as rapid.

that you might not know, once i choose i don't change my mind. that the love i own never dies. they just fester indefinitely. without a reason. without anyone to love them.

8-18-03 monday 10pm brick NJ

hey look at me now. all grown up and playing with love like it's some kind of party game. pin the blame on the fool. just when you think you've won that's when they tell that you lose.

here i am. home wrecker. spoiler of lives. here i come. lover unloved. rose in my hand. dying. thorn in my thumb. still writing as if that can make it different somehow.

where i've been. where i've gone. where we met when. you gave me that one perfect moment. nothing can take that. you gave me what i thought i never could have. i wanted it to last, all the while knowing it never could. i can say all the right things, but i'm thinking all the bad. i can do all the things i think i should, but it's begrudgingly. i just want to be happy. have someone be happy with me. i can dig up all the seeds we've planted before they ever see the sun, but the soil will remember. some things can't be undone.

should i remember or just forget. if only the choice were mine. if only the option belonged to my head. but it doesn't. it all rest in the heart. time. time will make it easier i know. i've watched it. too many times. seen it take everything good that i've ever had and diminish. i think that i'd rather hurt forever than forget how you made me feel. i think that i'd rather cry for the rest of my life than forget why. why it mattered so much. more than it should. more than it could. and it always does. doesn't it. no matter how hard to fight it. it always ends up mattering more than you ever thought. like tripping on your shadow. it shouldn't happen, but it does. like telling someone how you really feel. they hear it, but. well, what can it mean when everyone is really alone. there's no real contact. no real trust. just bets we place. dice we throw. the odds are against us.

love. it's supposed to be unselfish. so i'm thinking that i must. love. it's supposed to be about them, not me. so i'm trying to convince myself that i'll be happier doing the right thing. or if not happier then at least less discontent.

call me if you can. say what you have. leave me wanting. i'm okay with that. so long as i know that you are. it's not as if time was ever our best friend. it's not like we ever thought that. the end was preparing itself long before we'd even started. it was so apparent. can't say i'm happy with it. can't say i didn't expect. what can i say. i don't know yet.

just that love is something that has never belonged in this life. and maybe this was just another lesson on that. love has never brought me much happiness. mostly just made it harder than. but you have. have what you want. the life that they're always talking about. who am i to interfere with that. i was coasting. no brakes. lost control. i'm damaged. long before this. this is just another link in the chian of my madness.

i knew, but i denied. so much easier when you can pretend. pretend as if life is kind. it's all that you make of it i guess. and this is what i have made. now i must suffer the consequence.

this is what i do. hurt myself anyway that i can. these are the paths i choose. any road that leads to nowhere is where i must go.

you know where. you know why. you know just who i can be when there's nothing to hide. and you still loved it. even though. broken hearts i sometimes think look to break even moreso. broken hearts it's been witnessed seek the pain they've come to trust. a broken heart is not my affliction. it's what i have become.