Dark Poetry Prose Poetry August 20, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

8-20-03 wednesday 9pm brick NJ

when lives compress. balloons losing air. screaming exhale of what filled them. then flat. limp.

kill me softly. or kill me hard. lie. say you love me. tell yourself i believe it. autograph your scar and then leave.

denial. deflated lives. bathtubs beckoning to be filled with blood. and young girls dreaming of. denial. deflation. the empty gift box of love.

when i'm gone you can love me. watch hindsight like some chick movie. needing me because i'm no longer there. but while i'm here you can only use me. carpe diem baby.

when nothing is everything you have. denial. numbness worships me. love is not real. just sex trying to be better than it is. friends are how you can benefit. and sex again. numbness prays to me. i am its god. denial. lust. wipe out the feelings. smother them in the raw combust.

when lives compress. like one song to the next. that silent gap. so long. denial. lust. numbness trusts in me to keep it. make it real. give it meaning. numbness makes the air thin. the darkness sweet like chocolate. coating my tongue with pseudo gratification. stolen pleasures. masturbation. riding the wave of denial to the pinnacle of nothing. grinding the feelings to dust in the pumping of. flesh on flesh. numbness never knew what it was until i showed it. denial. lust.

lie to me. pretend i am believing it. say you love. as if you could. gaze in awe at the hollow shell that turns you into a liar. a letch. blame me. hate me. love me when i'm gone and regret twists your memory to suit its need for sadness. you can love me when i'm gone. just because. but while i'm here you can only use me. lives compress. empty balloons. don't forget. i almost believed you.

8-20-03 10:32pm brick NJ

you hear. you see. you know. those things that either break you or make you complete. the breaking always finds you, but the other destination still a mystery.

they find you. they lose you. you take. but never choose. who. where and when. a parade of faces without people behind them. long long list of acquaintences masquerading as friends.

they touch you. they taste you. summers hot and sticky. the dark embraces the flame. flaring for a moment and then both are negated. staring as if you can really feel this, but then life pulls you back to it. life and all its empty chances at things that never did exist.

unreal and still feels much like it is. to be the better person. i don't know why i. why i should even have to choose this.

remind me why it always comes back to this. refresh my memory cause i must've forgotten just how harsh it is. remind me why i never wanted to know anyone outside the safe confines of pretense. remind me that i will live and die alone. and hate every minute of it.

take your woulda coulda shouldas and teach them just how much they meant. when the moment overtook they were all that i had left. when the dial tone ensued. it was different, but the same again. lonely as lonely has ever been. broken. split. bent way too far back. ask me how. why. and i'll plead innocent. though no one is. ask me why this far to the finish and i couldn't even guess. had it lasted any longer i don't think that i could've ever let go of it. had it crept any deeper. i might've never left.

numbness. it's all i have when the end shows itself again. so certain and dominant. whipping this life with its truths. its single minded purpose. to prove that i have failed. that alone is the place i must inevitably return to. my only home. my existence. alone. so sobering. alone. so me. live and die that way. but life is hardly a part of it. live and die alone, but living has no role.

i listen. i wish. but knowing is different. when you finally have the chance. know that you can. prove yourself. prove your love. that it's genuine. even if. even if theirs never was. should it have been. not likely. could they. would they. should they. it's not as easy as that. but it cries just like so many things that life does. it tries to love. to be. but life doesn't happen when you can't trust it. and words in kind are only just that. the musings of eager hearts who can't see how much they already have.

8-20-03 wednesday 10:45pm brick NJ

no more words to exchange. no more ways to play that teach flesh new tricks. like that almost kiss that never happened. it lingers on your lips longer than any that actually did.

no more reasons to tell yourself that it isn't wrong. that all those flaws are superficial. that you can erase them if you just keep rubbing. just keep trusting in the lies that you use to deal.

i could die a thousand times and you might never know it. green glass cloaked demons on the verge of nowhere. i could cry without a tear. so that you shouldn't know it. too numb to let the moment have its glory. too stubborn to admit that everything i've ever wanted has never wanted me.

and that even when it did, it wasn't mine to know. that even when they took the chance, it wasn't ours to be had.

tell me that you loved me. somehow make me believe. cuz i need this. but i can't accept.

tell me that it hurts too much to say just how. tell me that all my mistakes have led to this. that all the love this heart can find exists only in its absense. know that i'm too afraid to really feel. that this is my best.

be a friend. can you do that. does the option even present us with it. be a friend. but what is that. someone to listen to or someone to love. how does it differ from. how is it different. tell me just when does all this feeling realize that its useless. tell me how not to love knowing that i shouldn't. tell me that we're just friends. cause i haven't heard that enough yet. one more time for the record. once more just to be certain.

8-20-03 wed. 11pm brick NJ

i will live and die alone regardless of what you decide. you'll only make it that much more obvious. i'll live. or pretend to be. alone. and die the same. you'll only make it so much more apparent.

and there you sit with all that i've ever wanted.. questioning it. saying things you shouldn't say. building bridges out of burnt matchsticks. just don't be surprised at when they crumble. just don't question when i'm doing my best to remember right again.

you don't know. i hope you never have to. what it's like. how it feels to be trapped in this. the world your prison. all friends enemies. time the trial. life a last resort until. don't say you love me because i'd never believe it. don't say you can when i know that you can't.

let it happen. became it. like those words that come so uneffected. the movemnent of one minute to the next. try to believe it, but you can't. try to love life, but it won't happen. say goodbye as if it never meant that much. they'll never realize. never were able to devise that one sentence that could explain it all away into nothingnesss. staring as your given to at that barren screen. words bellow without lungs to adjust. choices echo down the empty caverns in our life. so hollow. reverberate like time trials. you'll never pedal fast enough to beat this. just off to bed that much less than the morning dare contest. just that much lonelier than you ever would've guessed.