Dark Poetry Prose Poetry August 24, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

8-24-03 sunday 8pm brick NJ

it's old songs you never thought you'd want to hear again flooding your unconscious. old lovers. familiar voices. roses pressed between life's other chapters.

never really out of my thoughts even as. even at the moment when. never forsaken. just tried to let you have what you wanted. to be alone. to not have to hear how much i needed. to be you, just how i like you. doesn't matter if that leaves me without. it's you that i worry about.

only wanted to make you happy. and since i couldn't do that being with you i tried to do it by leaving you be. acceptance is awkward like that. just when you think you want it, you find yourself realizing that you didn't.

first a lover. then a muse. now a friend. if we could only combine them. but you never wanted to.

it's the old songs i used to listen to when. the ones i thought i had no need for anymore. but really i guess i always did. always will. every now and then. since i'll always love you no matter what side of the debate it chooses. if it sleeps to dream of you or if it out and out refuses. the reactions may change, but the reason never will. i loved you from that first day and i love you still.

8-24-03 9pm brick NJ sunday

biting down on the minutes like i can eat away this life. make it disappear. no guilt. just as if it never was. no one to miss. no shame. just pure and simple peace.

use me when i'm present. love me when i'm not there. hate me bcause i can't trust. laugh at me because there's nothing in life that i can really love. or want. not since.

absent hours. no accounting or. discarded nights. i know just what they wanted me for. dream the life you cannot have only to wake up and find that you wish you hadn't. beat the wind as it beats you back. ride alone just like you always have.

everyone's afraid of dying. worse yet, of dying alone. but i'm afraid of the living. this living as i have. dying being all that i've ever wanted.

drink the love as if it's real, not just substance. pretend in your awkward moments that this is just where you intended to find yourself. let those people wash over you. spill through you like highs no drug can give. like the destruction yourself could never admit.

pretend that you want to. taste life. all its sparse virtues. as if you believe in any one of them. they may exist in other lives. but not in this one. they may ring true in other worlds, but not in mine.

leave me here to ponder. wonder when why and if. knowing it was inevitable did nothing to curb my need for this. leave me here like a dream you dreamt but can't remember. hazy images coloring the cerebrum. leave the dream to fade and die like all must. i'm aware of what i am, but you didn't have to make it so damn obvious. i'm well aware of. but you didn't have to make it hurt so much.

8-24-03 sunday 9:20pm brick NJ

i'm not scared that i'll never be put back together. i'm scared of having to live my life in these pieces. it isn't easy. isn't hard. it's just sad.

i'm not afraid of being alone. just afraid of always being. cool and dark like nights such as this one. they let the whole world live. let the whole world love. the whole world except for me.

songs in your playlist. and songs in memory. words on your pages. and words you couldn't. you couldn't speak.

i'm just tired. just jaded. just feeling like i don't belong anywhere. never have. isn't that just so truthful that you can't stand it. isn't that just so accurate. so much the reason i'm still here. so much the reason that i wish i wasn't. maybe someday. maybe someday soon i'll leave.

i'm not afraid of being broken. since i always have been. i'm just afraid of living my whole life that way. that these pieces are all i have. i don't want to put them together. i'm not asking you to either. i just want to forget they ever were. throw them to wind and let life take it all away. watch as this world of mine vanishes. almost as if it had never been. no guilt. no shame. just freddom. no need for apologies. just never having had been. never born. never missed. a lost thought in the cosmos. a dream no one can remember in the morning.

8-24-03 sunday 10:17pm brick NJ

i'm not afraid of you. what i feel for. just afraid of why and how it came to be. and what you'll do with it. i'm not afraid of this. just having to account for it after the fact.

so alone. so hopeless. like the night on the verge of dawn. knowing it must die again. only to be reborn. only to live the whole hurtful cycle all over again.

believe you love me if it suits you. it's not something i can trust. believe it is more than a need. more than lives can give when faced with more years than they expected.

i wanted to, but i can't. there are no reasons left. just dreams that woke me much too soon. and reasons faded in the sun. no color left. bleached and baked and fraying threads.

call. want. lust. it's all i can expect from us. much as i can love i can be as much. i'd rather not think about it but, you make me do it. wonder how. wonder why. whonder if. how it could happen. if it did.

i'm not afraid of anything escept that feeling when you knowi your life has given itself away to someone else's. so helpless. so begging to bleed again to know you are still alive. to know that life is full of choices, but so few that let you choose them.

to drink. to remember. to hold the bottle like a shield againt all the empty places your life has constructed. waiting on. waiting on death as if peace can be taken so obvious. that's the scariest part. to be uncertain. maybe there really is no place at all. not in life. not in death. maybe nowhere is all i'll ever have.

who am i. even i don't know. so how could you. what i've been. maybe someday you may. but until then, just a question. just an esssay unwritten.

you don't know how i feel it. how deep it burroows when. i've loved just a small handful, but when i do. i've not loved much. because it's hard to find it in this heart to care that much about anyone.

when there's every reason to stay alone. every excuse not to. even moreso with you. sad thing is, i still will. can't not. choices won't always let you choose them. sometimes they just decide.

it's not what i would've decided. it't not at all what i intended. lost as i've ever been. i found myself in this. easy as it is to forget the thing you don't want to remember. i just couldn't in this instance.

why i'll never know. if, i can either believe you or not. but how much can it matter reall when ultimately we had always lost.

8-24-03 sunday 8:30am brick NJ

only mornings when the night before left
no indication of having been,
only early on cold
summer sundays when
the empty bottles reflect.

little messages written
in cyberdust
greet the lonely and
taunt the heart;

little faces shrinking
in memory as if
your life is moving
away from itself;

stealing distance by
each tiny step,
slowly making progress,
but toward what?

alone is no one's predictament,
it's a part of our creation,
alone is not what
we are or are not,
it's just us.

each night i build
the ark a little more
as i watch the flood
waters rising,
each night i hope
that the rain will stop,
but keep preparing
for when it does not;

brought me back to life,
taught me how to ignore
what is right,
or rather that even
in wrong there are
hundreds of little loop
holes to draw on;

made me not want
to question, for once
just be, let it happen,
made me not want to
answer, just listen,
made me not want
to die, for a moment
just live.