Dark Poetry Prose Poetry August 30, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

8-30-03 saturday 1:30am brick NJ

if life should choose to drown itself who am i to refuse. if friends should choose to claim to have more to give to me than they're able who am i to wager against them. like every aspect of life it happens regardless of if you intended. like every breath you take without even noticing it's more important than all the things you dwell on when.

sequelling indefinitely until. poisoning or trying to. this long and tarnished trilogy has nothing to give. nothing to leave after it's finished.

i saw you there and loved you at once, but of all the moments just like that one, there are none i can find that loved me just as much. until. and what do i do with this knowing that it's. what can i ask. what can i want. knowing that you already have.

everything that you somehow find to love in me. i can't understand it. i can't let happen. can't forget that it's just another one of life's little ironies.

maybe you're just starved and in need of affection. and maybe i'm just that one rule that has no exception. can't ask you to leave. can't ask you to stay. so i take the pictures, but never develop them. i look through the lens, but away from the frame.

if life should choose to make it this hard, then i think that i should just disregard. if life should choose to be this cruel then i think that i should just not give her the satisfaction of having proved.

i saw you there and loved you before i even knew why i did. premonitions cast in the heart leave very little room for decision. i saw you there and thought that i wish, but never imagined we could come so close to it.

but all this while i spent trying to fend off the obvious. the life you've made i've no part of it. the world you've built that i'd do anything but endanger. all that time i was falling for hating how it had so many limitations. just too lost in wondering why to understand how this could happen. just too struck by the brazen irony to realize that it is just what i've made of it.

too hurt to question. too in love to want to hear the answer again. too lost like a fawn in a burned out forest. i could love you. let it take me, but we both know that's just weakness.

8-30-03 saturday 1:10pm brick NJ

it's still playing. i just can't hear it.
it's still hating. i just don't feel it.

everything and then some.
cast like spit to the wind.
everything you do and choose
hitting you in the face with.

all you know arguing with
all that you wish you didn't.
not falling apart.
not broken.
just never was whole.

8-30-03 saturday 9:40pm brick NJ

just when you need them most the words refuse. when you find yourself after a long long night of epiphanies. not different, just that much more you. more apparent. thinking that now he knows me. really does. that i disclosed too much of myself. everything. so much so that he can no longer love me. that is, if he ever really did.

i deleted it all. not because of you. cause i want to move on. not let myself stagnate in those thoughts from yesterday.

8-30-03 saturday 9:40pm brick NJ

just when you need them most the words refuse. when you find yourself after a long long night of epiphanies. not different, just that much more you. more apparent. thinking that now he knows me. really does. that i disclosed too much of myself. everything. so much so that he can no longer love me.

i deleted it all. not because of you. cause i want to move on. not let myself stagnate in those thoughts from yesterday.