Dark Poetry Prose Poetry September 5, 2004 Dark Poetic Prose

09-05-04 sunday 9:05pm

what're you waiting for? nothing anymore. that's all. got my shipwreck of memories and my island. that's all.

shuffle the storm. deal the lightning. then watch while it sets fire to and seemlessly moves on.

i'd weigh the truths against the lies if i could only figure out which is which. i'd have made so many fair decisions if i'd only had enough evidence at those times.

motor the fortress. black walls revving like dying summer nights. moving at fast forward into that abyss some call life.

no one has a reason, but i guess most can ignore it.

in my head i've always wanted to die. but in my heart i was always hoping to find some way to appease it. cuz i was young then. still sorta believed that there was something for everyone if. but i'm not young anymore. no longer have time on which to rely.

use the darkness like a friend. to hide what you can't look at. to insist it hasn't happened, even though you know it has.

toll booth hearts on deserted highways. open bridges on the pathway to your happiness.

you can only wait so long for the ships to pass. can only wait so long for them to close. and then you have to go back. whether or not you want to, you have to go back to what you know.

09-05-04 sunday 9:24pm

spend most of your life doing something and it means absolutely nothing. color the lines. paint the words. for what. so someday i can die and leave behind a lot of junk.

started off trying to cure myself. and when i gave up on that quest i was just trying to find someone who could look at and understand. not just the obvious. not the obvious at all. but all that subtext.

spent most of my life doing this. for nothing. to read it back to myself and wonder what's so different in me. that in the whole wide world out there still there's no one whom i can reach.

my whole life wasted on this compulsion to be understood. never even thought about the possibility it couldn't happen. never thought about it until now.

sunday 09-05-04 9:45pm

it's over now. placenta tears misting while. you won't cry. you'll just blink rapid until they disappear.

almost through the final chapter. paper cut lives ache, but don't bleed. so no one knows. no one can see. how much it hurts to be.

it's dramatic, i know. but not unjustified. there are weights on every life. i know. but none is heavier than this nothing.

you'll wake up in the morning and you'll think well, at least i'm still alive. that's the difference between you are me.

and that wouldn't matter but, that's the difference betweem me and everyone.

9:56pm 09-05-04 sunday

it really didn't hurt as much as it could have. and for that i give you credit. true, i was ready, but. you know what they say. there are some things in life you just can't prepare for. no matter what.

i don't know now what it was. love. or more or less. i don't know what i felt. or what you did. i only know that given the circumstance i risked an awful lot.

i guess you risked even more. i guess you did. or else you thought you were so clever that there was no risk.

i don't know. i'm so jaded. long before this. i don't know because i don't have that sort of experience.

all i know is what i'm left with. a lot of reality tv shows to pass the time between this tragedy and the next.

there's no one to blame except myself. for wanting. for still hoping. i knew it was limited, but as much as i knew it and was ready to let go, i never considered how much i'd miss once i did.

i'll get over that too. as i must. fester the wounds until they have expelled all that pus.

don't bandage them. instead let them bleed. swallow the ache. breathe out all that pain while the flesh recouperates.

i think that i loved you. i know that i could have. well, at least up until that night when you made it all seem so untrue.

i might've loved you. i don't know. because though i once loved for the sake of, i don't do that anymore.

and if you didn't, then i won't. but it doesn't matter now. it never really mattered i guess.